I Hate the Word Love

Thought-provoking, Jean, and I can empathize with much that is on your mind. As a family, when I was growing up we didn't kiss, hug, or say 'I love you' much, but I think we were at ease with each other and had a warmth of expression in greeting. I remember feeling a little guilty when dropping my children off at playgroup with little fuss, and almost envying the big hugs of some, but aware that for mine it would make the parting seem worse than it was, and get them feeling they should be emotional about the separation.

I do have great difficulty in feeling I love my mother-in-law, because I can't get to know her, and feel the door is shut in my face, but have come to realise that I must accept she can't reveal her feelings, and probably never has been able to, but I can show her Christian care and concern and, yes, love in the more objective sense, but difficult to involve feelings. So, love can cover different aspects of our concern or trying to be helpful towards, wanting good for, or affection for others? Does that make sense?  She doesn't say 'I love you', but does say, frequently 'Thank you, Darling'. And that I'm afraid I find really hard. I think it trips off the tongue, and in my upbringing, 'darling' was a word of fun, or for shop-keepers or music halls to use. Also she and her husband said it so often irritably to each other, that that has confirmed a dislike of receiving it. My husband knows and empathizes anyway, and doesn't call me darling except (very rarely) to tease me! Maybe I shouldn't hate the word 'darling', and you shouldn't hate the word 'love', though aware of its misuse, and hating the way it is used shallowly or without apparent meaning sometimes.

I suppose loving things is something different anyway. Maybe in some languages there are different words for the different kinds of loving. Rhiannon

It is indeed thought provoking, and I think to some extent it's a generational thing.  I don't ever remember my parents saying they loved me, but I had no doubt that they did.  However I think it was part of a reluctance to engage in any kind of emotional dialogue and at certain times of my life I did find that difficult and it made it hard to talk about some very important things.

I do say 'Love you lots,' to my kids on the phone or when saying goodbye, but rather than feeling I need to say it for them to know it, I suppose it's almost a kind of signal that it's all right to have that emotional dialogue and that I don't have a problem with them bringing up things that are close to their heart, however difficult. 

I never told my late father I loved him, but I don't regret that because he would have been embarrassed if I had.  I don't say it to my mother for the same reason.  But saying it is part of my relationship with my own children.  I don't think anyone should say it if they don't mean it, and actions always speak louder.

Jean, thanks for posting this.  Like all the best writing it makes you think and question. 

Love is, as love does, my personal philosphy.

A thought provoking piece, Jean.  Many thanks for posting.  Shall read and re-read.  Made me think of Shakespeare's King Lear and his daughters.

Tina

With Valentines day on the horizon this seemed like a good time to write about love. I find it hard to say I love you unless it's truely meant, but find it so easy on special occasions, usually in a card to my partner. I also think saying I love you constantly devalues the word. For me it's all to do with the little caring things like a kiss, or the everyday things we do to make life easier for our loved ones.

I certainly think you've brought to the surface an interesting topic which leaves me to question that word love.

Jenny.

My dad once wrote me a thank-you letter saying he loved me dearly but could not bring himself to say it out loud.

I have never been so happy as when someone I love accepts my saying that I love them (and even says it back!); however I have also felt hatred for certain people who claim to love me.  It's a bitter world sometimes and sometimes it is the most beautiful word in the world.

Some people love in a more practical way, and caring is still love. It's what you do that counts in life, not what you say. Maybe your mother-in-law just wants you to know what you mean to her, especially at this stage of her life. Phoning her every week, even done out of duty, shows you care. And an occasional 'me too.' costs nothing, but might bring peace to an old lady. You're very kind, Jean, and thoughtful. People understand a lot from that. 

A very thought provoking piece, and well written. 

Very interesting points Jean, and in responses. As a child there were never hugs and kisses or 'I love yous', it was just not done in our family, but the acceptance of love was there. 

Lindy

It's such a weighty word, yet we only seem easy in using it when it on something light and so change its meaning.  Lots to think about here.