The Comet Hunter Problem

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an excited mood.
 
“It’s the Comet Hunter, Jed,” he said, “It’s been successfully launched.”
 
“The Comet Hunter?”
 
“It’s a giant telescope, launched into the Earth’s orbit to look for asteroids and comets that are on course to hit Earth.”
 
“You mean it can shoot down asteroids before they hit us?”
 
“No Jed, that’s the Comet Shooter satellite. They’re planning to launch that in 2035.”
 
“So what happens if the Comet Hunter spots an asteroid that’s going to crash into us before 2035?”
 
‘Well if that were the case Jed, the asteroid would crash into the Earth wiping out humanity. But at least we’d know in advance. I always say that knowledge is THE most important thing."
 
Alun talked about little other than the Comet Hunter all day long. Alun is obsessive about all things astronomical, he has 17 different mixes of the RAH Band’s Clouds Across the Moon. I went to bed with a sore neck, from spending the day looking up at a satelite I couldn't see.
 
The next morning I was woken at 6.05 am by a hammering on my back door. It was Alun.
 
“What on earth is it at this hour?’ I said.
 
‘It’s the Comet Hunter, Jed, he said. It’s spotted a giant asteroid that’s going to pass within two million miles of the Earth in five year’s time.
 
"You woke me at 6.05 in the morning to give me a five year forecast on a lump of rock. Couldn’t it wait?"
 
"But it’s science Jed. Aren't you excited. Without the Comet Hunter we'd have no idea the asteroid was there."

 

"You mean I'd still be in bed asleep."

 

"You put sleep before science Jed. If everyone was like you mankind would never have invented woollen undergarments (Alun rates woollen undergarments as mankind's greatest invention).

 

The next morning I was woken at 5.45 a.m. by a hammering on my back door.

 

"What on earth is it this time?" I said.

 

"It's the world, Jed. It's going to end."

 

"Are you sure?" I said. It seemed unlikely. "It's not another prediction you've seen on the internet is it?"

 

"No Jed, it's the Comet Hunter. There's a giant asteroid heading straight for Earth. They're calling it Big Bertha."

 

"How long have we got?"

 

"Until 2.03 a.m. tomorrow morning."

 

"What are we going to do?"

 

"Dance, Jed, Dance. Put your radio on."

 

I switched the radio on and Alun began to boogie. The Today Programme usually has that effect on him.

 

"How will this help? Do you think if enough people danced simultaneously it would knock the Earth out of the asteroid's orbit?"

 

"No Jed, it's just good to boogie once in a while."

 

With the world about to end I decided not to bother with the day's chores, however I soon realised that without chores I had nothing to do, so I quickly drew up a list of 'Things that need doing before the end of the world'. I was fully occupied with the new chores until Alun called, shortly before midnight, brandishing a bottle of his special whisky.

 

"That's your special whisky," I said.

 

"Well it is the end of the world Jed. If you can't have a bottle of whisky when the world's about to end then bring on the end of the world I say."

 

As well as his whisky, Alun had also brought his portable telescope. "Let's have a look at this Big Bertha, Jed, see what all the fuss is about." 

 

He set up the telescope and scanned the sky.

 

"There she is Jed, can you see?"

 

"It doesn't look very big."

 

"In astrological terms it's tiny Jed, but it's still bigger the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. That little rock means the end of mankind in less than two Earth hours."

 

Big Bertha got slightly bigger as time passed. We took turns looking at her through the telescope, saying very little, and slowly depleting the bottle of whisky, or, as it was soon to be known, the first bottle of whisky.

 

"The end of the world is a lot more exciting in films," I said.

 

"Everything's more exciting in films, Jed. Look at Jaws, in real life shark attack is a tedious affair."

 

We took turns to watch as Big Bertha got nearer, and bigger, and the level of whisky in the bottle got smaller and smaller.

 

"Two minutes past two, Jed. This is our last 60 seconds on Earth."

 

"I don't think I can watch. You have the telescope."

 

"No, you're okay Jed. We'll just stand here and wait for the world to end. Here, have some whisky."

We stood and waited for the world to end.

 

And waited.

 

"It's amazing how slowly time passes when you're waiting for the world to end," I said. "It feels like we've been waiting half an hour. This is my third glass."

 

Alun checked the time on his phone. "We have been waiting half an hour Jed." He grabbed the telescope. "It's Big Bertha, Jed," he said. "She's gone past. The Comet Hunter was wrong. It's not the end of the world after all."

 

"Thank goodness for that. It means I can finally go to bed. I've been up since 5.45."

 

Later the same morning I was woken almost before I'd gone to bed, by a hammering on my back door. I was so tired I forgot to change out of my Peter Rabbit pjamas. It was Alun.

 

"You wear Peter Rabbit pjamas, Jed," he said.

 

"You woke me at this hour to tell me that? I've only just got to bed, it was the end of the world last night."

 

"No it wasn't Jed, you're just feeling the effect of the two bottles of my special whisky. I'm glad I was drinking water all night. I feel fine."

 

"So why are you here?"

 

"It's the Comet Hunter, Jed. It's been hit by Big Bertha. It's been completely destroyed."

 

"The hunter becomes the hunted," I said, which wasn't bad given how early it was. "Well good riddance, what a useless satelite it was, waking me up every morning with its latest daft prediction, so much for the end of the world."

 

"It was almost right Jed. It may not have been the end of our world, but it did foretell its own demise. Jed, are you all right Jed?"

 

I was asleep. Alun carried me up to bed still wearing my Peter Rabbit pjamas.