Ambushed

I got ambushed last night, and not in a good way.

I was at a band concert at the Salvation Army. A lady in my singing group had offered a free ticket, but there would be a collection. I'd never heard of the charity, but just before the half time break, they gave a little introduction and passed the buckets round. They explained that they were a childrens' respite charity, to give a break to families caring for children with severe disabilities or learning difficulties.

It was like an unexpected punch in the gut, a sudden flashback, all I could do not to break down in tears and curl up in a ball on the floor.

I have a daughter with severe learning difficulties and disabilities. Despite not being able to talk, I know she doesn't want me near her now because she just pushes me away if I visit, so I don't
visit.

Nearly 20 years ago, the local council took away our respite on Sunday afternoons. We were supposed to get a weekend a month and two weeks holiday a year. Closing the centre on Sunday afternoons took away everything at once. I tried to fight them, and failed. It drove me into a breakdown, and in the course of that, our marriage collapsed. The Ombudsman eventually found two counts of maladministration against the council, my daughter moved into adult services, with different respite arrangements, my ex later put her into full time care. I had another breakdown. Life moved on.

It was so totally unexpected, that flashback. I was overwhelmed with deeply buried, long avoided emotions. I teared up but fought back the sobs. When half time arrived a few minutes later, I made my excuses and left, but by the time I got back to the safety of my lonely home, the edge had gone, the memories skulked back to their hiding places. I struggled to try and let that emotion loose. I suppose it's similar to PTSD.

That was all 18 years ago now and I'm still on my own. I feel a bit like the old dog in the pound, the one at the end, with a blanket over the cage because he's happier that way. The one nobody wants because he's old and hurt and broken and too much trouble, but really all he wants is to be accepted, loved and understood, because nobody ever really has.