Coleslaw Catastrophe pt7: ‘The Pub'

The hummus delivery driver was on the G&Ts. Again. She was finding it all a bit much. But then she didn’t need a global condimentary apocalypse as an excuse to drink G&T.

“Pour us another,” she said to the barman.

The barman was worried. Not about the hummus delivery driver. Not about the international situation. He was worried about his socks.

That morning the barman’s wife had left him. Not particularly surprising, as the barman was a bit of a nob. Still upsetting, though. And more to the point, he now had to do his own laundry! Which meant that he didn’t often have clean socks to wear. Which worried him.

“Do you have any spare socks?,” he asked the hummus delivery driver, as he poured her another drink.

“Pardon?”

“Never mind.”

Into the pub came the goblins. Or were they gremlins? It didn’t really matter, as either way it was unexpected.

“Get out!,” said the barman, totally ineffectually, as no one actually heard him.

“Coleslaw! Coleslaw! Catastrophe! Catastrophe!,” sang the gremlins (or goblins), as they bounded across the room and danced on top of the bar, helping themselves to Guinness and Dirty Martinis.

“This is all I need,” said the hummus delivery driver (who was called Hermione), as she drained her latest G&T, then pointed to her empty glass.

“Don’t you think you’ve had...?,” started the barman (who was called Ron), upon which Hermione raised an eyebrow and Ron shrugged, then poured her another drink.

“One thousand G&Ts please!,” snickered what appeared to be the head goblin (or gremlin (who was called Dobby)), as he poked Ron’s nose with a straw and farted the national anthem of Kazakhstan.

“I don’t have...,” started Ron.

“Never mind, I’ll help myself,” said Dobby, who then picked up two full bottles of gin, downed them both at the same time, then squirted tonic water into his gob.

“This is all getting out of hand,” said a passing policeman.

“You’re telling me,” said the Pope.

Then an enormous coleslaw beast slurged into the pub and swallowed everyone up.

[ perhaps the end (although I’m not sure) ]