Forever Jaded - Chapter 1

Richard slowly made his way down the hall toward his brother's room. Swallowing, he took a moment to calm himself. He couldn't go in there all paranoid and start talking to him like that. No--he needed to be calm and collected and try to help his brother through this, to help himself through this. Slowly, somehow torn between going to his room and hiding and talking to his brother, he knocked on his brother's door. For a moment he didn't hear anything, and then heard a muffled, "Who is it?" from his brother. He sighed and opened the door, walking in, knowing his brother would know who it was by him doing that. "Hey kid..." his brother whispered from where he lay on his bed, his head buried in his pillow, his voice muffled. Richard stared at his brother for a moment, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but knowing that his brother would never let him.

"R.J., I'm...I'm sorry..." he whispered quietly, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "About Gale, I mean...I heard Mom and Dad talking about it..." his brother let out a breath but didn't say anything more. He glanced around his brother's room for a minute, and saw that R.J. had sifted through his things and had dug out Gale's picuture. A few of them, actually. Glancing at his brother, he took a step toward his brother's desk and picked up the picture on top. Smiling quietly to himself, he remembered when it was taken, and his heart filled with sorrow at the memory. His brother and Gale had been out riding horses at the time, and they had stopped to take a break. Richard had been slow to join them, as he wasn't very well trained on a horse just yet. Once he'd joined them, he had sat beneath the tree and watched the clouds roll by. R.J. had decided to suddenly poke Gale in the ribs, causing a yelp of surprise to escape the boy's mouth. Gale had responded by tackling R.J., and then the two had been rolling around on the ground, pinning each other and being pinned, laughing all the while. Richard had gotten his camera out and the two had done a dramatic pose, their eyes sparkling all the while. Richard had laughed and had snapped the photo, and here it was, forever frozen in time. Richard glanced over at his brother. "R.J., I'm really sorry about Gale..."

His brother sighed heavily into the pillow. "I know, so am I..." his brother trailed off with another sigh. Richard frowned and moved toward the bed, putting the picture down.

"...R.J.?" Richard whispered, sitting down on the edge of his brother's bed. "...Are you going to be okay?"

"...I hope so kid..."

Richard swallowed hard and closed his eyes. "You're...you're leaving...aren't you...?"

R.J. was silent for a minute, and then sat up, looking at Richard silently, his green eyes saddened, his brown hair tossled and tangled. "I..." he broke off, chewing on his lower lip. "I don't know...how...how did you know, anyway?" he looked at the bed.

"I...listened in," Richard murmured. "You're leaving. Just like Gale..."

R.J. gripped his brother's shoulders tightly. "No--hey, look at me, okay?" He did so, slowly opening his eyes. His eyes, a light blue color, were saddened and watery. R.J. shook his head. "No, Richard..."

"You are..."

"No, don't ever think that, okay? I'll be okay."

Richard shook his head and looked away. "You are...you're going away...just like him..." he closed his eyes tightly. "You're leaving..."

"No, I'll come back."

"...What makes you so sure? Gale said he was coming back too, but..." he trailed off, his voice cracking.

"Richard, please...I'll come back..." Richard shook his head slowly.

"...You promised..." he whispered quietly, his voice shaky. "When Gale left, you promised you wouldn't go too...you promised you wouldn't leave me...you are..."

"No...please kid, I don't have a choice..." R.J. put his hand on Richard's shoulder and squeezed hard. "I'll come back."

"You're leaving me..."

R.J. pulled his brother into his arms. "No, Richard, I won't leave you...I'll be in your heart while I'm gone, and in the flesh when I get back. Okay?" he squeezed his brother tightly, and Richard could feel his borhter's body trembling.

"Don't go..." he whispered pitifully.

"I have to..."

"No you don't."

"What do you mean?" R.J. whispered.

Richard braced himself. He didn't want to say this, but he didn't want his brother to go. "If you don't go, they'll take me. I'll go. You see? You don't have to go; you have a choice."

R.J. tightened his grip on his brother. "No Richard...that just makes me have to go all the more."

"Why? I can go."

"No, please, you can't."

Richard frowned. "Why not?"

"Because you can't."

"R.J.--that's not a reason," he said, for he hated it when people kept saying 'because' all of the time to him.

"You just can't..."

"I can. I can go, and then you can stay here. It...it works out..."

"No it doesn't," his brother whispered. "I can't stay here if you go."

"...Why not?"

His brother only shook his head.

"R.J.-"

"Richard, please...don't..."

"...Don't what?"

"Try to talk me out of this," R.J. responded. Richard frowned for a minute. "Just...please, don't. If you go...I can't stay here."

"You can though," said Richard. "If I go, they won't make you. Don't you see? You could stay home! Isn't that great?"

"No," R.J. said instantly. "It's not."

Richard frowned again. "Why not? You can stay home; that's not great?"

"No," his brother whispered quietly. "It's not."

"But-"

"It's not, Richard. I can't just sit here at home while you're out there...please, just stop..."

Richard closed his eyes. "You're...mad at me now, aren't you...?"

"What?" asked R.J., shocked. He held his brother at arm's length.

"You're mad at me-"

"Why would you say that?"

"...You got Dad's tone..."

R.J. frowned. "I'm sorry if I did...I didn't mean to...I'm sorry..."

"For what?"

"For...making you think I was mad at you. I'm not."

Richard said nothing, his head hanging low, his eyes closed. His sandy colored bangs were hanging around his eyes, somewhat shielding thier lids from view.

"Richard, look at me," said R.J., his voice quiet.

Richard slowly lifted his head and opened his eyes.

"I'm not mad at you."

He gave a small nod, but still didn't say anything, thoughts racing around in his mind. He wasn't sure exactly why his brother didn't want him to go. Surely it was better than havng to go, right? R.J. could stay here, and he could go.

R.J. unexpectedly pulled his brother back in for a hug. Richard was tense at first, but then relaxed in his arms and hugged him back. "I'll come back," his brother whispered into his ear. "I promise."

Again, Richard said nothing, only gave a small nod into his brother's shoulder.

"I promise," R.J. said again.

"...Okay..." said Richard quietly, savoring the moment, knowing that this might be the last time they would get to sit and talk and be alone together. He closed his eyes tightly. "I...I..." he trailed off. 'I love you,' he thought to himself, but said no more.

R.J. seemed ready to hear what he was about to say, but Richard didn't continue. "What?" he asked.

Richard shook his head. "Nothing. I'm...going to miss you..."

The arms around him tightened. "I'm going to miss you too...a lot..."

Richard buried his head further into his brother's left shoulder, his eyes tightly closed, breathing in his brother's familiar scent. "...When are you leaving?" he whispered quietly, dreading the answer.

R.J. hesitated. "Tomorrow morning," he finally whispered.

Richard's head spun. "T-Tomorrow?" he stuttered.

"...Yeah..."

Tears filled Richard's eyes. "...Okay..." he murmured shakily, his eyes clenched closed, struggling to keep the tears to himself.

They stayed that way until his mother came up to say goodnight to Richard and tell him to go to bed while she spoke with R.J. Richard complied and left the room, stalking down the hallway toward his own room. Closing the door, he leaned his back against it and slid to the ground, letting the tears fall, letting everything out.

"I love you..." he whispered to himself.