a man called M

ON 23 RD AUGUST 2003 AT 3.03AM
I WAS FAST ASLEEP ON THE SETTEE DOWNSTAIRS IN MY HOME WHEN I AWOKE SUDDENLY TO SEE THE BACK OF A WHITE MAN CREEPING TOWARDS MY LIVING ROOM DOOR WHICH LEAD TO EITHER THE FRONT DOOR OR UPSTAIRS,

ALL I RECALL SAYING WAS WHAT YOU DOING HERE, HE SAID WHISPERING SORRY DINT MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP……I GOT UP DAZED TO FOLLOW HIM BUT DON’T KNOW WHAT I SAID TO HIM IF ANYTHING, I UNLOCKED THE FRONT DOOR AND LET HIM OUT LOCKED BACK THE DOOR AND SAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR FOR A WHILE I THINK WITH THE THOUGHT REPEATEDLY IN MY HEAD WHATS HE MEANS …SORRY HE DID,NT MEAN TO WAKE ME UP….. I HELD MY BREATHE KNOWING THAT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE AS I CHECKED THE WINDOWS, CAUSE I KNOW THERE IS NO WINDOW I LEAVE OPEN BIG ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO BREAK IN AS I RETURNED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS KIDS AFTER LOOKING ON THE KIDS, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I TOOK SET ON THE KNOWING THAT IF ANYONE WANTS TO GET THE KIDS THEY,LL HAVE TO PASS ME FIRST, I WAS ON AUTO PILOT I DIDN,T THINK PROTECT I FELT IT, AS MENTALLY MY MIND WAS NOT ACCEPTING WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED.

AGAIN I GOT UP AND STARTED TO CHECK ALL THE WINDOWS AND THE BACK DOOR, NOTHING WAS OPENED OR LOOKED FORCED I SAT IN THE SETTEE WONDERING WELL HOW DID HE GET IN. THEN FELL ASLEEP TIL 7.00AM FOR SOME REASON I CASUALLY SAID M WAS HERE LAST NIGHT BUT THEY DID,NT SEEM SURPRISED OR REALLY ASK MANY QUESTIONS.

TO DATE I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY I DIDN’T DO WHAT I ALWAYS ASSUMED I DO IF SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE HOUSE WITH THE KIDS BEING HERE. I DIDN’T EVEN REACT HOW I,D ALWAYS IMAGINED, THE WHOLE THING SEEMS HAZY BUT THE REALITY OF IT HAUNTS ME MORE THAN I THINK IT DOES, FOR REASONS THAT ARE BETWEEN ME GOD.

2DAYS AFTER I PACKED A BAG I WENT TO MY MUMS ON THE WAY I WAS CONVINCED I WOULD DIE IF I HAD TO GO BACK THERE I FELT UNSAFE JUST BEING IN NOTTINGHAM I TOLD MY MUM WELL I SAID A MAN WAS IN MY HOUSE AT 3 AM, SHE JUST FLIPPANTLY SNAPPED AND SAID WHAT ARE TALKING ABOUT WITH THAT RESPONSE I FELT TENSE I COULD SAY A WORD THOUGH I WANTED TO.

THE NEXT I TOLD HER COULD,NT GO BACK I DID,NT FEEL SAFE FOR THE THREE OF US , BUT SHE GOT HER HUSBAND TO DRIVE ME AND KIDS BACK ANYWAY.

WEEKS LATER I TOLD MY AUNT AND SHE SAID MY REACTION WAS SHOCK, FUNNY THAT, WHEN SOMEONES IN SHOCK ON THE TV IT SEEMS LIKE BAD ACTING AS THEY JUST STAND AND STARE STUPIDLY.

BUT I UNDERSTAND NOW AND IT’S THE SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME, AWARE OF THE SITUATION I WAS IN, IT SEEMED HELPLESSNESS OVER RIDED MY ANIMAL INSTINCT, WHERE IF IT WAS VICE VICER MY LIFE WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT TODAY, MADE THINK MAYBE THAT’S WHY MURDERERS STAY IN ANIMAL INSTINCT MODE AS IT’S THE END SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS, SELF PRESERVATION I GUESS.

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT BUT UNTIL THIS MOMENT I COULD,NT ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION ALONE, OR THE KIDS SPENDING ANOTHER NIGHT THERE THAT’S WHY AUTOMATICALLY LIKE A FRIGHTEN CHILD I RAN BACK TO SHEFFIELD TO MY MUM.

THAT MAN ENTERED MY HOME NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME EITHER INTENTIONS OF MOLESTING MY CHILDREN.
AND TO PLAY THE GAME……
AND MUM DID WHAT SHE .S ALWAYS DONE, SHE FELT POURED UPON BY MY NEED FOR HER AND WITH THAT SHE INSTANTLY REJECTED ME, OR SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I HAD SAID BUT WHATS MY COMPLAINT. I DON.T KNOW I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A 101 REASONS WHY TIL I DON,T RUN AWAY MORE, AND WITH THAT I HAVE LEARNT WHO TO RUN TO AND WHO TO RUN FROM….

THOUGHT….
AS PARENTS WE ARE A GARBAGE DISPOSAL UNIT FOR OUR CHILDRENS EMOTIONS,

AUTOMATICALLY A CHILD IS DRAWN TO THE MOTHER FIRSTLY WITH THEY OVERWHELMING TEARS AND EMOTIONS AND THEY NEED FOR REASSURANCE AND SAFTEY,
AND IN THAT THEY FEEL LOVED.

AND INSTINCTIVELY A MOTHER ACCEPTS WITH THE NEED TO PROTECT AND NURTURE THE CHILD FROM ANY HARM BY ANY MEANS.

THOUGHT
I THINK DEPENDING ON YOUR CULTURE YOUR BACKGROUND AND THE TYPE OF ENVOIRMENT YOU WAS RAISED IN DOES INFLUENCE WHAT TYPE OF PARENT YOU WILL BE, BUT IN THE END IT IS YOU YOURSELF WHO DECIDES WHAT TYPE OF PARENT YOU STRIVE TO AND CAN BE,

I AM TOLD AM UNGRATEFUL AND SHOULD APPRECIATE AND STOP BEING ANGRY, THAT I HAD A ROOF OVER MY HEAD, FOOD, SHOES AND CLOTHES TO WEAR, I DO IN FACT I CAN GO AS FAR AS TO SAY I WAS SPOILT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE BE ALL AND END ALL OF A PARENTS RESPONSIBLITIES, BECAUSE IF I WAS AN ORPHAN OR AN ABANDONED CHILD I WOULD MORE THAN LIKELY RECEIVE THOSE THINGS FROM WHOM EVER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME.

I AM HURT BECAUSE I GREW UP TO REALIZE MY MUM COULD,NT ARTICULATE HER EFFECTS FOR ME, I TRIED EVERY WAY POSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN THE EFFECT IT WAS HAVING ME AND THAT I FULLY UNDERSTOOD THAT.

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE COUPLED WITH THAT FACT MY MUM HAS LIED AND DONE THINGS TO HURT ME DELIBERATELY FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, BUT BLINDED BY MY ULTIMATE LOVE FOR HER I DID,NT SEE WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING, UNTIL I HAD MY CHILDREN AND WHAT AFFECTED ME . AFFECTED THEM AND SEEING THAT AND KNOWING THAT I STOOD UP AGAINST IT, WHICH ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE.

ITS OK IF YOU ARE PARENT WHO CAN,T EXPRESS EMOTIONS AND ARE WILLING TO ADDRESS THAT FACT WITH YOUR CHLIDREN IN ORDER THAT THEY GAIN SOME INSIGHT, AND FROM THAT MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY IN TIME THEY ABLE TO ADJUST THEY EXPECTATIONS AND NEEDS FROM THEY PARENT.

TWICE I WAS ASKED WELL IF YOU WAS,NT SHOWN LOVE FROM YOUR PARENTS , HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOUR KIDS WHERE DID I LEARN IT? AND I HAD TO THINK, I CAN ONLY SAY IT WAS AUTOMATIC WHEN I HAD MY SON AND THEN MY DAUGHTER, ALSO THE NEED TO PROTECT, STOP AND PREVENTTHEM FROM HURT,ASWELL AS PUTTING MYSELF IN THEY POSITION EMOTIONALLY AS THE NEED FOR YOUR PARENTS EMOTIONALLY IS SO INTENSE IT DOES EFFECTS EVERY CHILD IN THEY ADULTHOOD.
ANY PSYCHOLOGIST COULD TELL YOU THAT.

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE IN MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY WHO FEELS THIS WAY, BUT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SAY.

THIS IS NOT SOME SORT OF VENDETTA AGAINST MY FAMILY OR MY MUM.