Priestman's Progress

David Priestman had a dream. The radio alarm turned on at 7AM.
“Here is the news. These are the results of last night’s general election. Jesus Christ has won 300 seats, the Worldly Pleasure Party have won 120 seats, the Flesh is Weak Party have 100 seats and the Lord Seaton Self Centred Party have 85 seats. The leaders of the different political parties are discussing which should be joined together to form a coalition in order to form a government. David’s Best Friend, leader of the Worldly Pleasure Party, has vowed to carry on as Prime Minister.”

“I would like to say to all the members of the College Christian Union, do you not think that you live an extremely dull and boring life? When was the last time you kissed a girl? The pleasures of this world are considerable. Beer, money, cars, decent jobs, decent houses, marriage, family, this is what life is all about. Christians just stand in church on Sundays singing hymns, and that’s boring.”
“Over to our political correspondent, Jim Jones. Jim, is there any real chance of David’s Best Friend carrying on as Prime Minister?”
“There is some chance of that happening. David’s Best Friend is Prime Minister already, and he hasn’t lost the election to a party with an overall majority. This gives him the right to carry on if he can find another party to form a coalition with him.”
“Seriously Jim, could David’s Best Friend, leader of the Worldly Pleasure Party, form a coalition with somebody as radical as Jesus Christ?”
“It would be a bizarre situation. The two main opposition parties would be running the government together.”
“That’s ridiculous. It couldn’t happen, could it Jim?”
“It has happened in quite a lot of other countries. You’d be surprised how often the Jesus Christ Party has appointed a Best Friend from the Worldly Pleasure Party to a senior position, Minister of Culture, Minister of Education or Chancellor of the Exchequer. Those jobs are quite easily done by a member of the Worldly Pleasure Party. It’s perfectly possible to do a deal. It would be an unhappy situation – these government ministers are well known for causing scandals, they often have alcohol problems, they use drugs and they have extra marital affairs.”
“Jim, how likely is this to happen, and what do you think is the most likely outcome of this election?”
“While it isn’t an overall majority, Jesus has taken an awful lot of ground here and he just needs to form a coalition with one of the smaller parties to be able to form a government. Lord Seton of the Self Centred Party has been invited to Jesus’ house this afternoon for a meeting. I think we’re going to see a stable coalition with 5 years of self centred Christianity, possibly with Lord Seton as Deputy Prime Minister.” David awoke from his dream. He wondered if God was saying something.

Later that day, David was standing in a mobile phone shop.
“I would like a new mobile phone,” said a voice in David’s thoughts.
“There’s nothing wrong with the mobile phone I’ve got,” thought David.
“Let’s have a look at it, then,” said the voice. David took the phone out of his pocket. “It’s old and it’s like a half brick and most unlike that white phone there with the beautiful colour screen.”
“Can I afford it?” David thought. “It’s £35 a month.”
“You have more money than that,” said the voice.
“It’s nearly half the money I’ve got after I’ve paid the rent,” thought David.
“It’s well worth the sacrifice,” said the voice. David spoke to the salesman.
“One of these, please. I’ve not got a credit card, but I’ve got a debit card from the bank.” David took out the card.
“That’s fine,” said the salesman. On the way back home, David passed a woman collecting for charity. She was young, and wore a purple T shirt. David thought she was really pretty.
“Could you afford to give a few pounds a month to the Ethiopian Children’s Fund?” she asked. David thought,
“I’d love to.”
“You can’t afford to give any money to anybody,” said the voice. You’ve just spent it all on a mobile phone.”

The next morning David was sitting in the college canteen drinking a bottle of orange juice he had filled up at home, about the only thing he could afford to drink now that he had a mobile phone contract. He held the mobile phone in his hand. Perhaps he could use it to serve God. Perhaps he could find a Christian radio station or a good Bible study website. Somewhere in the hellish realm of the spirit world, Lord Seton decided to hold an emergency meeting of his shadow cabinet.
“Thirty years ago,” Lord Seton began, “a Christian manager of a company that made biscuits decided that his possessions were tools for doing God’s will. The results of this were disastrous. A basement was added to his house. The young people from the church used to meet there.” Lord Seton began crying. “It was a tragedy. That Christian had served us faithfully for 13 years. He had gone to night clubs every weekend. He had drunk himself silly. He had used bad language. He had been faithful to his wife but everyone has their faults. Then he discovered an American tape about giving all his possessions to Jesus. He might not have literally sold all he had and given the money to the poor, but he did the next best thing.” Lord Seton sighed loudly. “And from that moment, disaster. A man of God. His house became a house of prayer. Do not let it happen. We must not allow these Christians to use their possessions, expensive possessions which we have given them to make them selfish, to help others, to serve God, to pray without ceasing, which is exactly what people do when they listen to Christian music on their computer or their hi-fi.”
“Lord Seton,” said Lady Lucy, “I could send him to one of those useless American websites I created that tell everybody that God wants them to be rich.”
“Thank you Lady Lucy, I do appreciate your efforts in endarkening Christian authors. I think the most subtle form of backsliding is a good old compartmentalised life. Don’t bring God into your mobile phone.” David sat drinking his orange juice and holding the mobile phone in his hand.
“It’s got some great games on it,” said the voice. “Have a look at the games.” David was soon engrossed in a silly pointless game and forgot about any Christian websites.

There was a girl sitting on the opposite side of the college canteen. David liked her. The situation in the shadow cabinet became tense.
“David has been told not to be unequally yoked with a non-Christian girl,” said Lady Lucy.
“It might be rather difficult to persuade him to go against his manifesto commitments to Jesus Christ,” said Tubal.
“Don’t mention that name,” said Lord Seton. There was a horrible smell.
“What do we do?” asked Lady Lucy.
“I want a referendum,” said Lord Seton. “A referendum is not a decision, it’s just a test of how people feel. It’s nowhere near actually getting engaged and marrying the girl, is it?”
“How do you have a referendum?” asked Lady Lucy.
“Just get David to ask the girls he likes at college to go out with him, Christian or not. Find out how they feel about him,” said Lord Seton.
“If one of them falls in love with him, he’ll feel obliged to marry her,” said Tubal. “He might come under even stronger pressure from his family, who don’t really understand what he means when he talks about his girlfriend not being a Christian. How can she not be a Christian? Surely she’s a perfectly nice girl.”
“I like it,” said Lord Seton.
“Won’t he realise the consequences of his actions?” asked Lady Lucy.
“He’ll wade in gently, he’ll fall in love completely, and he’ll realise when it’s too late. I’ve seen it all before,” said Tubal. David sat thinking about the Bible verse from 2 Corinthians 6 that talks about not being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
“It doesn’t mention girls, does it?” asked the voice. “The real meaning of this verse is that we mustn’t be exactly the same as unbelievers, that’s unequally yoked. I know another Bible verse. ‘Go forth and multiply.’ “ David finished his orange juice and sat down right beside the girl.
“Angela, have you got a boyfriend?”
“No. Why?”
“I was just making conversation.”
“I have not got a boyfriend and I do not want a boyfriend.” She smiled contentedly. David didn’t want to go out with her anymore. She seemed so happy.
“Oh, undamn me,” said Tubal. “We lost it.”
“Never mind,” said Lady Lucy, “we’ll get him next time.”
“Plenty more fish in the sea,” said Lord Seton.

David went to his first lecture. It was Mechanical Engineering. The lesson had something to do with blocks sliding up a slope. Why anyone would ever want to make a block slide up a slope was a mystery to David. A car could go up a hill quite easily. Wouldn’t the calculation be simpler if the boxes all had wheels? David felt proud of the genius of his engineering solution. Eventually he sat down with the teacher and showed him the limited scribblings he had attempted in answer to the question. The teacher was not impressed.
“If you don’t know how to do that, I suggest that you look up vectors in your basic Maths book. You need to go back to the basics, it’s Maths you don’t understand.” David resolved that he would look this up in the Maths book some time that day.

When the lesson had finished he went to the library. Where could he find a book on basic Maths? It was lunch time. David was hungry.
“Chip shop, chip shop,” said the voice. The thought of a chip butty seemed much more appealing. He could see it. He could smell it. He could taste it. All in his mind. But that wasn’t good enough. He needed the real thing. He went to the chip shop and got the chip butty. The book was forgotten. In the refectory, David sat putting chips from the plastic bag into the huge bread roll. He noticed how the chips left alone in the plastic bag had grown cold. The chips that were close together were red hot. What had that Christian book said about the man who said he didn’t need church, so the preacher took a coal out of the fire and put it on the hearth? The coal had grown cold, like some of David’s chips, like David, not having been to church for such a long time.

David returned home that evening. He was determined to find an old Maths book he had somewhere which contained the solution to the problem.
“What’s on TV?” asked the voice. David looked at the TV. Suddenly, it was much more interesting than the book. One of David’s housemates was there. He was a Christian.
“Should we watch the God Channel?” the housemate asked.

Lord Seton held an emergency meeting of the Shadow Cabinet.
“We cannot have people worshipping God with their televisions,” he said.
“I’ve put an awful lot of rubbish programmes on Christian TV that just encourage Christians to make money and to think that God wants them to be rich,” said Tubal.
“I appreciate your efforts to improve Christian television Tubal, believe me, I do, but David has very little contact with his church at all,” said Lord Seton. “Watching the God Channel would be like a patient in a coma listening to music and coming round.”
“They’ve got a fantastic video recorder,” said Lady Lucy.

“What have you recorded today?” the voice asked David.
“There’s fantastic science fiction story I’ve recorded,” said David. “You really ought to see it.” By the end of the science fiction story the God Channel and the Maths book had been forgotten.

David woke up on Sunday morning. He looked at the clock. If he got up before 9, he would have time to go to church with his housemate. It was half past 8. It was a cold, dark, winter’s morning. “Go back to sleep,” said the voice. “Nice warm bed, nice relaxing sleep.” David nodded off. He looked at the clock again. Ten to nine. “Go back to sleep,” said the voice. “Your eyes are getting heavy. Heavier than lead. Horrible cold dark morning. Nice warm bed.” When he finally got up it was half past nine. David’s Christian housemate was still there.
“Do you want to come to church?” he asked.
“It’s too late,” said David.
“No it’s not. They don’t mind if you’re a bit late. We’d still make it in time for the sermon.” They caught the bus and arrived at the church as the congregation were singing a hymn. They still found seats. Somewhere in the underworld, there was a gasp of horror from Lord Seton.
“This preacher is known to us as The Minute Man,” said Lord Seton.
“Why is he called that?” asked Tubal.
“Thirty years ago he was a foolish, unselfish Christian and was misguided enough to be a member of St John Ambulance. The Minute Man was a resuscitator they had in the back of the ambulance. It was used to bring dying people back to life.” Lady Lucy looked indignant.
“And this preacher was named after it!” she said, banging her fist on the bench.
“Christians are looking a little bit blue around the lips and The Minute Man brings them back to life,” said Lord Seton.
“We must act quickly,” said Tubal. “The singing has stopped. The sermon has started.”

“The room’s a bit hot and stuffy,” said an old man in the church hall. He opened a window. A wasp came in and started buzzing around.
“Watch the wasp,” the voice said to David. “It might sting you.” The fan started turning in the corner of the room. It was an old fan and very noisy. Everyone in the church was looking at it.
“What is The Minute Man preaching about?” asked Lady Lucy.
“I don’t know,” said Tubal.
“Neither does anybody else,” said Lord Seton. They all laughed.

A party was being held at college. There was a poster on the wall. It was at the college bar. Should David go there?
“It’s not a sin to drink, it’s a sin to get drunk,” said the voice. “See how much you can drink without getting drunk.” David arrived at the party. They were passing around little glasses of wine. He had one. David bought a pint of lager. He had calculated the exact amount of alcohol he could drink without getting drunk. One glass of wine and 3 pints of lager. They had a quiz. David didn’t know the answers to any of the questions. They were about film stars and pop stars he had never heard of. At the end of the quiz they played the Birdy Song. They all got up and danced. David did a fantastic dance. David’s impression of a bird was astonishing, involving lots of wing flapping with his arms, diving like a seagull and opening his mouth to catch a fish.
“I think that was an excellent dance,” said the man behind the microphone. “Give that lad an extra pint of lager or whatever it is he’s drinking tonight.” Oh no! David had had 3 pints and 1 glass of wine and he knew that that was as much as he could handle. As he finished the 4th pint of lager he felt the entire world going round and round as if the entire galaxy had been put in a tumble dryer. He walked home, no longer in a happy, care free state of mind but feeling this incredible dizziness.

David was reading a college magazine. There was a table showing the wages of the best paid engineers. People were earning £50,000 a year by the time they were 40, £100,000 a year by the time they were 50 and £150,000 a year by the time they retired.
“Just think of all the money you can give to missionaries,” said the voice. Lord Seton summoned Tubal into his office for a private meeting.
“Why did you tell David to give all his money to missionaries?”
“I want him to be ambitious. I want him to be so eager for promotion he has no time for God,” answered Tubal.
“That’s no good if he ends up giving all his money to missionaries.” Tubal laughed.
“It’s a myth that wealthy Christians give all their money to missionaries. He’ll have a mortgage for three quarters of his salary, a pension plan for a tenth of his salary, a wife who likes expensive clothes and children who are always talking excitedly about where they’re going on their holidays next year. I call it reverse tithing. Take nine tenths of a Christian’s money away and give them the other tenth. He will tithe the money that he has left to live on. Middle class Christians give only 1% of their money to God.”
“Tubal, if he gives 1% of £150,000 a year that’s still £30 a week.”
“He’ll feel like a saint, sponsoring a child in the third world for £20 a month and giving £300 at Christmas so that the missionary ships can have some fuel. But he won’t be a saint. He’ll forget what an absolutely trivial amount of money that is compared to what he actually earns. It won’t cause him any inconvenience, any hardship or any pain. The giving will be absolutely powerless because it won’t be sacrificial.”
“No sacrifice at all.” Lord Seton beamed at Tubal. “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You’ll just have to make sure he does his homework now.”

David’s housemate was holding a leaflet.
“David,” he asked, “do you want to come to the Holy Spirit Weekend?” Lord Seton held an emergency meeting of the Shadow Cabinet.
“Don’t worry,” said Tubal. “There are so many blockages in David’s life, he’s going to find a Holy Spirit Weekend really frustrating. He’s going to be one of those people who’s been a Christian for years and ‘hasn’t felt anything yet.’ He’ll never pray in tongues. The Holy Spirit can’t flow through a blocked pipe.” Lord Seton had recognised the face of the man on the front of the leaflet.
“There is great danger,” he said. “This meeting will be led by the Minute Man.”
“I’ve got an old friend who might be going to it,” said Tubal. “Mr. Happy.”
“If he’s a happy Christian,” asked Lady Lucy, “why is that a good thing?”
“Some Christians are happy for the wrong reasons,” said Lord Seton.
“He’s just happy to be saved,” said Tubal, laughing. “He’s so happy to be saved he’ll never be anything else. When he’s been a Christian for 50 years he’ll still be a baby. This sort of Christian is very useful.”

At the Holy Spirit Weekend the Minute Man sat in a small group surrounded by about ten other people. They were drinking coffee. Mr. Happy had a huge toffee iced doughnut.
“Are you expecting to get something from the Holy Spirit this weekend?” David’s house mate asked him. Mr. Happy beamed a huge smile.
“I’m just happy to be saved.” He bit into the toffee iced doughnut. David ate a large chocolate éclair. When the cakes and the coffee were finished, the Minute Man began to speak.
“You need to be fed up with going through the motions, fed up with going to church on Sunday and wishing you were somewhere else, fed up with dull, lifeless Christianity. Let the laughter of the Holy Spirit move you, let it move you.” They all fell on the floor laughing loudly except for David and Mr. Happy.
“I don’t feel anything,” David said to his housemate.
“Are you fed up with your wasted, compromised Christian life?”
“I’m not really sure if I am.”
“That could be why you don’t feel anything.” Mr. Happy felt prompted to say something.
“Isn’t it wonderful that Jesus did so much for us and required nothing in return. ‘Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to thy cross I cling.” The Minute Man looked angry, so angry David thought he would punch Mr. Happy.
“I know another hymn,” he said. “Love so amazing, so divine demands my soul, my life, my all.’ You can’t work to earn your salvation but you’re certainly expected to do something in response to it.” The Minute Man looked at Mr. Happy directly. “Are you tired of your comfortable, sacrificeless Christian life?” Mr. Happy beamed a big smile.
“I’m just happy to be saved.”

David looked at the Minute Man.
“I can’t feel anything.”
“Are you saved?” asked the Minute Man.
“Yes, I have been for years.”
“God would never hold back the Holy Spirit from you. You must be holding something back from him. Are you tired of your dull, dead Christian life? Are you tired of your life being a sacrificeless altar?”
“No you’re not,” said the voice in David’s thoughts. “God will call you to be a missionary to the Eskimos in Greenland and it’ll be cold.”
“You look scared,” said the Minute Man.
“I’m terrified,” said David. The voice spoke into David’s thoughts again.
“If you get right with God you’ll have to do your homework.” Suddenly David could taste beer. He could see the local night club in his mind. The people dancing. The girls. Was he going to give up his compromised, sacrificeless Christian life? David pondered the most difficult decision he would ever make.
“Could I pray with you?” asked the Minute Man. What should be his reply to this momentous question? God, David thought, if you really do want me to be filled with the Holy Spirit, give me the courage to say,
“Yes.”

“Give the Minute Man a heart attack,” suggested Lady Lucy.
“I’m trying,” said Lord Seton. “I just can’t. He seems to be protected. Too many people praying. Too many angels.”
“Multiple organ failure,” suggested Tubal. “That’s what Christians die of nowadays.”
“The Minute Man’s got really bad asthma,” said Lady Lucy.
“I can’t believe it,” said Lord Seton. “He just won’t stop breathing. He’s had prayer for his asthma too many times.” Lord Seton slammed his fist on the bench. “Go to the country. Dissolve the coalition. Instruct Jesus to hold another general election.”
“Who knows,” said Tubal. “We might win.”

The Minute Man began to pray for David.
“We break the chains, we break the chains. We break the chains of alcohol, we break the chains of fear, in Jesus’ name.” David realised that God didn’t want him to go to Greenland after all. He was just being silly. The desire to go to the pub disappeared.
“David,” asked the Minute Man, “are you prepared to give God everything?”
“What does that mean?” asked David. “To give God everything, those are just words.”
“Are you prepared to go everywhere God wants you to go and nowhere he doesn’t want you to go? Are you prepared to do everything God wants you to do and nothing he doesn’t want you to do? Do you want God to be the most important thing in your life, the only important thing in your life?”
The demons held their breath.
“How are we doing in the opinion polls now?” asked Tubal.
“We’ll find out very soon,” said Lord Seton.
“Yes. Yes I do,” said David, and fell on his knees. “Yes I do want God. Yes I will follow God.” He rolled over on the floor and started laughing very loudly.
“We’ve lost,” said Lord Seton.

That night, David had a dream. The radio alarm turned on at 7AM.
“Jesus Christ has won an unprecedented election victory. He has 460 seats. The Self Centred Party has experienced its worst election defeat in history.”

The next day David handed his finished assignment to his tutor.
“Thank you David. It’s on time. What happened?”
“I found God again.” The teacher smiled as if David was an idiot. David sat next to Angela in the college canteen, drinking his orange juice.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hello David. You look bright and cheerful this morning.”
“I went to the Holy Spirit weekend at church. I fell on the floor and began laughing. I’m full of the joy of the Lord.”
“Oh no. Does that mean you’re a nut?”