There are others like me, clinging

By anipani

Tue, 25 Mar 2008
  • 1785 reads
5 comments
 

Nothing changes while we swim
against the tide, taking breaths
where we can, almost drowning;
sometimes waving.
Replete,ahh,the effort almost
feels too great. What more
is there? I have never
been a swimmer, never
really mastered how to tread
water. Out of my depth,
limbs will struggle,lungs fight
not to collapse;
the unconscious response to
avoiding annihilation.
Inertia becomes the default condition
where waters are calm.
Undercurrents sabotage the unwary.

Certificate U
Poem
second chance
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Comments

Submitted by onemorething on
I liked the idea of this and most of how it was written...bleak though it is. I thought it would be better if you cut 'where we can' from line 3 and cut the whole of lines 4,5 and 6 including 'What more is there?' I know it shortens it, but I thought the use of 'not waving, but drowning' was a bit cliched (to me) and definitely not suited to the rest of the poem. I wasn't sure what you meant by 'replete' in this context either. From those lines onwards I thought it was excellent!

 

Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on
I liked this. I got a real sense of Deep, underlying hopelessness(can't think of exactly the right word). The water imagery worked well I thought in representing your ideas and feelings. The start was good, the middle not so, and the end excellent, in my humble opinion.

 

Submitted by Ewan on
I'm not sure that you didn't deliberately subvert 'not waving, but drowning' to 'almost drowning, sometimes waving' - or was this an edit in the light of the comment above? Either way, I would keep it myself. The last line is a peach. Ewan

Author Page at the 'Zon
 

Submitted by anipani on
I am guilty as charged,the allusion to Stevie was dliberately subverted in the original and only version! i like the way language constantly moves on, and references the past. i don't think that is cliche, just recognition. I will keep it, too lazy to do otherwise, besides, I like it!thanks for comments, i get ridiculously pleasedwhen anyone bothers to make a point, or just say they like something.

anipani

Submitted by animan on
Well, and not just because of what you say above, can I say that I like this one too. I'm enjoying reading through your set of poems here. I can see the point about waving and drowning both ways - I think I would make the reference slightly more oblique - like changing 'drowning' to 'sinking' or some such and maybe changing 'waving' or leaving it as it is. I like the way that you use the title to point up the metaphorical stances in the poem and then let the images flow the reader hither and thither - I find that a very confident and original approach to using metaphor. Right, won't tarry - must keep reading ...!!