7 Habits of Highly Effective Wankers

Caveat: This is supposed to be humorous. But like a lot of humour, there is very much an element of truth to the following. If you think your behaviour matches anything in the following list, but the first emotion you feel is anger towards me, you're obviously a wanker in denial.

1. Anything can be contained if you hide it well enough: There is nothing wrong with hiding mistakes or misappropriating blame. Just don’t get caught doing it. This can apply to your personal life as well as your professional one. The best option is to blame it on someone who isn’t around to defend themselves. Remember: deniability is your best friend. If you get caught out, blame training, equipment, technique or anything else except yourself. Finger-pointing is great exercise too.

2. Hypocrisy starts at home: Yep, it really does. Never let it be said you can’t have your cake and eat it too. In fact, if you have the cake, make sure you let everyone see you eating it. Don’t try to be the change you want to see but force it on your children or those closest to you. They will grow up feeling repressed and constantly like they owe you something (refer to Point 6 for further information).

3. Creating dramas to get your own way: This can be done anywhere but particularly in front of those who you know will support you, regardless of whether you’re right or wrong. Creating a drama can work well by itself but is most effective when used in conjunction with a number of other points here. The key is to learn when to create the drama for maximum impact. It is particularly good to create a drama when others think there is absolutely no need to as any drama created under these circumstances will set a benchmark for the future. Remember, you want people to be wary of you or perhaps even scared. This way, they will remain malleable to any of your manipulations.

4. Swear loudly for sympathy: This really works. If something is not going your way or you feel like it isn’t, then swearing really loudly where others can hear you will benefit you greatly. First of all, it will shock those who can’t tolerate swearing. Secondly, it will bring those who can running, because basically we’re all blood-thirsty carnivores who want to see others suffering, right? Any chance someone near might be in pain attracts a great crowd and, even better, lots of sympathy. Beware though, this can backfire if you attract other wankers. They may well want to see blood and, given the situation, might even decide it will be yours.

5. Tantrums and you – why should this be the realm of children? Combining a tantrum with swearing loudly probably creates the best drama of all. If you can, flaying about and speaking nonsensically is best way to go. But be careful. If you do let go, try to do it in the privacy of your own home as this kind of behaviour can be seen as either threatening (and police may be called) or deranged (and you may end up, at the very least, in some sort of counselling or therapy, which you should avoid at all costs. Everyone knows therapy is for new-age twats who can’t think for themselves).

6. Treat everyone like they owe you something: Its not hard to do this because, if you really think about it, everyone does owe you something. But there are some out there who think they don’t. So it is up to you to remind them. Constantly. If you do this well enough, people will actually start giving you credit for things you didn’t do, just to keep everything balanced and peaceful. Let them, the stupid suckers.

7. If all else fails…: Resort to violence. Punch, kick, slap, hit, bludgeon or flay, it doesn’t really matter, so long as it is inanimate (or, in some cases, a poor innocent animal). Your violence should mostly be limited to walls, doors, furniture and knick knacks, so long as these don’t actually belong to you. If you smash enough stuff, you will create a drama, gain the sympathy you so richly deserve and have everyone treat you like they owe you something, even though you smashed their stuff. If they don’t know enough to look after their things, then they don’t deserve them, right?

When enacting on any or all of these points, maintain your righteousness at all costs. This will help remove any doubt others might have as to why you are behaving like a preschooler. It might also convince anyone around you not to say or do anything to upset you, which means you can be as big a prick as you like from here on in. This is the ultimate goal of any self-respecting wanker.