Battle Scars

Said Pete to Fred 'What’s wrong with your head?!'
You’ve lost one ear and your nose!'
'A woodpecker’s to blame,' Fred mumbled in shame,
'I must look like a tree I suppose.'

Said Fred to Pete 'And look at your feet!
Where have all your toes gone?!'
'I was attacked by a slug,' said Pete with a shrug,
'While sunbathing on the lawn.'

'That’s nothing,' said Pat, overhearing their chat,
'My buttocks were nicked by four shrews.
Now to sit comfortably they’ve strapped cushions to me,
Which is awkward when I want number twos.'