What It Is... (Scene 2)

SCENE TWO

THE ADVICE CENTRE, THE FOLLOWING DAY. THE DESK HAS BEEN MOVED BACK AND THERE IS A SEMI CIRCLE OF CHAIRS.

ENTER BEA AND JAY IN COATS. THEY EXCHANGE ’GOOD MORNNGS’, TAKE OFF THEIR COATS AND SIT DOWN

JAY: Why do we always have team meetings at half past eight in the morning?

BEA: Least disruption to our customers. Most of them don’t get out of bed before half past ten.

JAY: Not quite true. Half of our customers don’t have beds to get out of.

BEA: Customers. When did we start calling them customers? When I first came here it was all clients. Customers. Makes it sound like they’ve got a choice.

JAY: They have. They either come or they don’t.

BEA: Makes it sound like they’ve got rights.

JAY: Indeed. Haven’t you read the Service Users Charter?

BEA: Yes, but they can hardly take their custom elsewhere, can they? They can complain till they‘re blue in the face, but if they want a house or a carer, they’ve got to come back here.

JAY: So what do you suggest? Privatisation? Have a league table and see which organisation offers the nicest way of saying piss off, there’s no care and no houses?

BEA: I’m just saying, the word gives a false impression. I saw Ann Harper yesterday. What sort of choices does she have? I mean, if I want a credit card, I’ve got a genuine choice: interest rate, air miles, shopping vouchers, even the colour of the damn card. And if I don’t like it, I can move.

JAY: Is that what you do, then? Are you one of these that chases the nought percents? Change your card every six months?

BEA: I change a couple of them around every so often.

JAY: A couple?

BEA: Well, you know what it’s like. You move your balance, only the new card won’t give you quite enough to cover all of it, so you’ve still got the first card as well, just with a lower balance.

JAY: Right.

ENTER WORKPERSON, AND REMOVES BOTH SIGNS

JAY: What are you doing?

WP: Review. Re-evaluation of priorities and foci. All signage frozen until review completed.

EXIT WORKPERSON. ENTER MANAGER

MAN: Morning, morning. Oh. A bit thin on the ground this morning.

BEA: Staff shortages.

MAN: Oh dear. Perhaps we’ll have to have a bit of a reorganisation, when this review is over.

JAY: But we’ve just had a reorganisation.

MAN: Yes, yes, and this is the review of that reorganisation. And any little hiccups this review throws up, so to speak, we can tweak with just a little bit of reorganisation.

BEA: Right.

MAN: Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that I now have the results of the Homelessness Strategic Reassessment.

JAY: Goody.

MAN: As far as the Government’s concerned, Prevention is the buzz word. More and more Government funds, incentives and rewards for any local authority meeting targets on Prevention Schemes. And we’ve got one of the most comprehensive schemes of schemes in the country. Bond Guarantee Schemes, Debt Counselling Schemes, Alcohol Recovery Schemes, Drug Recovery Schemes, Positive Parenting Schemes, Youth Sexual Health Schemes. We’re tackling homelessness head on.

JAY: Why don’t they just build more houses?

MAN: What?

BEA: Why not just take the money and build more houses?

MAN: Oh, don’t be so bloody simplistic. Homelessness isn’t just a question of bricks and mortar. It’s an attitude of mind, a culture, a whole way of life. You can’t solve it just by building more houses.

JAY: It might help.

MAN: You see, this is the problem. This negativism. This is where it all goes wrong. We need constructivism! We need positivism! Above all, we need belief…

DRUM ROLL AND FLASHING LIGHTS. THE MANAGER LEAPS UP AND PUTS ON A CAPE, THUS BECOMING THE CONJURER. BEA WHIPS OFF HER OUTER GARMENTS TO REVEAL THE COSTUME OF A CONJURER’S ASSISTANT.
OTHER PEOPLE COME IN TO FORM THE AUDIENCE, FROM WHOM A VOLUNTEER AND A DISSENTER WILL LATER BE TAKEN. A MAGIC BOX, LARGE ENOUGH TO HOLD AN UPRIGHT PERSON IS BROUGHT ON, ALONG WITH A PILE OF CLOTHES AND A BLACK BIN BAG .

CONJURER: Ladies and gentlemen! Mesdames and messieurs! Meinen damen und herren! Ladles and jelly spoons! Roll up! Roll up to witness one of the greatest marvels of the modern age! The mysterious Disappearing Homeless Person!

AUDIENCE: Oooohhh!

CONJ: First let me introduce you to my assistant - the beautiful, the magnificent, the incomparable - Bea!

AUDIENCE: Aaaahhh!

CONJ: Now, ladies and gentlemen, for this quite astonishing piece of prestidigitation to work, I must stress that it is vital, vital, ladies and gentlemen, for the lovely Bea to follow my instructions to the letter. To the letter! There must be no deviation whatsoever, as the actress said to the bishop.

AUDIENCE: Rhubarb.

CONJ: Now, I need a volunteer from our lovely audience! You, sir! Yes, you! Come along now! Don’t be shy!

THE VOLUNTEER GETS UP

Now, sir, I have here a black bin bag, an ordinary household rubbish bag. Take a look at it, sir, examine it thoroughly. No hidden trap doors, no mirrors, no smoke. And into this black bag, sir, we are going to place - your belongings! (Puts clothes into bag). Congratulations! You are now officially a Homeless Person. Round of applause, please, for the Homeless Person! (Applause) And now for our amazing feat of magic! Bea, take our Homeless Person’s hand. You can wear gloves if you like. Now then, ladies and gentlemen, just to reassure you, I am going to ask the Homeless Person to verify that I have nothing at all up my sleeves. No houses! No flats! No bungalows or maisonettes! Homeless Person, please verify this for the audience. Can you see any form of dwelling whatsoever hidden up my sleeves? No, of course not. Now then, Bea, take the Homeless Person over to the Magic Box. This is our Magic Box of Schemes and Statistics, ladies and gentlemen. The very fact that you can see this Box is of itself a feat of the rarest magic, because it is itself constructed wholly of smoke and mirrors. The only reason you can see it, ladies and gentlemen, is that you believe. You believe it is there because I tell you it is there and the word mug is not in my dictionary, ladies and gentlemen! No, indeed it is not.

And now we - not just me, not just Bea, but you as well, ladies and gentlemen - we are going to place this Homeless Person in the Magic Box of Schemes and Statistics (Bea puts person in box and closes door). Ladies and gentlemen, you may think that what you are witnessing here tonight is remarkable, but I can tell you that this is nothing. Nothing! I have performed this trick with ten, a hundred, a thousand, a million Homeless People. (Produces Magic Wand) Hey presto! Statistica statisticum! Schemus mirabilissimus! Eh voila! (Bea opens the door. The HP has disappeared). Ladies and gentlemen! Without benefit of houses, flats, bungalows or maisonettes, our Homeless Person has completely disappeared! Ay thang you!

AUDIENCE: Woohoo!

DISSENTER: I don’t believe it.

CONJ: And for my next trick -

DISSENTER: I don’t believe it!

CONJ: And what, subversive anti-social troublemaking person, is your beef?

DISS: You’re just masking the problem. You’re just covering it up. (Moves towards the Magic Box)

CONJ: Now then, now then! No interfering with the props!

DISS: You’re a fake and a fraud! (opens the Magic Box and pulls aside several layers of curtains to reveal the Homeless Person). They haven’t gone anywhere! They’re just hidden under layers of schemes and statistics.

CONJ: You’ve spoiled it now! You’ve spoiled it for the nice ladies and gentlemen! They all wanted to see a Homeless Person vanish completely out of sight, and they didn’t care how it was done. Did you? Well, it isn’t my fault if the ungrateful homeless refuse to engage with the magic and don’t disappear when they’re supposed to. No, don’t applaud! They don’t deserve it.

BEA: But - they’re still homeless.

CONJ: Not my fault. I did my best to get them off the spreadsheets.

BEA: But you can’t just send them off out of the Schemes and Statistics Box with nothing but a black bin bag.

CONJ: Bea, has it ever occurred to you that you might be in the wrong job? Being a conjurer’s assistant is highly skilled profession.

BEA: But I joined up to do real magic! I thought I was going to be doing real transformations, producing real rabbits out of the hat. And if we couldn’t always find the right magic for people, I thought we’d be helping them work out how to do their own magic.

CONJ: You silly cow. The laws of physics still apply, Bea. Nothing comes from nothing. Deficit budget equals deficit services. Unless you want them to cut the wages budget to build houses? Or the education budget? Or put the council tax up fifty percent? No. Thought not. You are in the wrong job, Bea. You don’t want a conjurer. You want a bloody miracle worker.