A Historical Day For A Better England

6.50am Just had a call from Central telling me to wear a red tie today (to signify 'endurance', they said).
Made a cool £150,000 yesterday with David, who managed to get great odds on when the next PM would get into Number Ten.
That's the mortgage paid off, then.
Just had another call from Central (aren't I the busy one!) to say don't wear a tie at all because David's been chosen a purple one.
I don't see why he should get preference on such important matters but that's OK.
I've got him by the goolies now and he knows it.
God, I wish I went to Eton. They're so cool.
I asked David if both of our families could live at Number Ten but he thought it might be a bit cosy.
I suppose it would seem a bit odd, but I've been offered £4000 a month for my place and Putney's so far away.
One thing I don't understand is British people.
One minute they're all behind you to get shot of old politics but then they vote Tory or Labour.
I hate the Tories but when David asked me to be Deputy PM, I just couldn't resist.

9.45am Just been photographed holding hands with David outside Number Ten.
The rascal had the cheek to tell me to smile for the birdy but I decided to go it alone and used the strapline for my new skincare cream as inspiration; 'Dare to be Different, Cool Assured.'
When we went inside, it felt like we were walking over the threshold of the past.
David smirked when I told him how nice his tie looked.
'It's only to shut Central up, Nicky Boy,' he said.
The gall of it! God, I wish I went to Eton.
Sam was on the internet in the kitchen, looking for their next 'desperately needed' exclusive holiday, to 'take stock of things', she told me.
David asked if I wanted some coffee, so I thought I'd better say yes.
He had Arabica filtered and gave me Aldi's instant!
Then he had the cheek to tell me where to sit.
I told him that I'd rather stand but he took this as an act of defiance and Sam looked over at me despairingly, so I sat down.
I asked David if I could have Number Eleven.
'You can't have Number Eleven!' he cried. 'The chancellor lives there.
I asked him to remind me who the chancellor was (it should have been Vincey Boy) and if he'd see if whoever was chancellor might like to do a swapsee with my place in Putters.
David just shrugged and told me to speak to Central about finding a nice little pad. I argued that I was more important than the chancellor but he wouldn't have it.
After lunch, he told me to do some work and I asked him what he wanted me to do.
The swine put me in a room and told me to watch telly.

9.40pm Just got back to Putters. The wife's crying because we can't stay at Number Eleven and I'm in the dog house. She wants another baby because David and Sam are having one.
I called Central about a pad and they told me to sling my hook and now Vince won't answer my calls.
I can't understand what's wrong.
I did the interview with David and said everything right. He even made me look a fool but I don't mind.
The fact is we're still Liberal Democrats, we've got five of our lot in the Cabinet and this is the first time in 65 years that we've had a look in.
Mulling over the events of this historical day, I'm sure David was really horrible to me. He even told me to get the phone when it rang. I just didn't know what to say.
The wife's apparently booked an exclusive Kuoni beach resort for July.
Can't wait to see David and Sam's faces when I tell them tomorrow.