Real horoscopes

Centipede: 3rd January – 19th February
Centipedes, wear your clothes backwards and inside out and tell anyone who mentions it that you’re starting a new fashion trend. Continue until everyone is doing the same. Then, and only then, wear your clothes normally again and laugh at everyone else for their sheep-like ways.

Sausage: 20th February – 4th March (except in leap years, when you are a jam sandwich cream (NOT a jammy dodger)
Those born under the sausage sign should be careful what they wish for. It might just come true. And where will that leave you? Running naked across a lemon cheesecake the size of Wales, being pursued by Maxine from HR who is going to give you the spanking of your life when she catches you, and she will catch you. Is that what you want?

Righteous indignation: 5th March – 7th March (excluding 6th March)
You don’t believe in such superstitious mumbo jumbo. So why are you reading this, huh? Think on.

Brick: 6th March- 6th March
You brickets can be so stubborn, which some may say is a fault, but I say stand up for your rights, stamp your feet and scream until you are sick and don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Sarcasm: 8th March – 26th July
Nice shoes. No, I mean it. Nice shoes.

Hedgehog: 27th July – 31st July
You’ve been feeling less than 100% lately. Maybe you need to just take it easy and get more sleep? Or maybe it’s something else? You felt that heart pain in the other day. Of course that could just be indigestion, but you don’t usually get indigestion. Is your skin okay? It’s looking a bit… blotchy. And then there was that twinge you had in your leg last week. Maybe you should see the doctor. But then again maybe there’s nothing they can do, so what’s the point? Check your teeth too, are they feeling a little loose? Those white spots on your tongue weren’t there before, were they? You can’t remember? You have been forgetting things lately. Going into rooms and wondering what you went in there for. It could be… no, I won’t say it. Forget I said anything. It’s probably nothing. No need to worry.

A nice open fire: August
Your life is being made harder by a weasely, sniveling, little bastard who pretends to like you but will actually spend much of their time subtly suggesting to other people that while you appear to be a good and nice person, you are in fact thoroughly unpleasant. They intimate that you are dishonest, insincere, tight-fisted and prone to making snide remarks about your friends and colleagues behind their back. You think yourself better than them, is what this person strongly implies. This person is extremely persuasive and your friends and colleagues are becoming more convinced by the day. This person is ruining your reputation. You have noticed people giving you funny looks already, haven’t you? They think less of you already. You must act before it gets any worse.

You know who this person is. There’s only one way to stop them. Elimination. Terminate with extreme prejudice. The world will be a better place for it. You must do it. Do it now for all our sakes.

Mime: September 1st – September 9th
You are a weasely, snivelling little bastard who just makes life harder for others. What is wrong with you? Stop spreading lies about people. Take a long, hard look at yourself. Can you justify your existence? Well can you? You’ve got a surprise coming, mark my words. You’ll get what’s coming to you. You won’t know when it’s going to happen but it will happen. That’s a promise.

Men’s intuition: Wednesday
You will be tempted to trust your instincts. Don’t. Do the exact opposite. But then, maybe that’s exactly what they want you to do, so do the exact opposite again.

A beautiful launderette: September 10th to December 24th
Drink cranberry juice. You know why.

Fluff: December 25th to January 2nd (excluding January 2nd 1976 3.06am in Mayday Hospital, Croydon)
Fluff is of course a Dust sign so avoid hoovering at all costs. One false move and your whole day could go up the spout, or down the tube, depending on your style of vacuum.

Golden Balls - January 2nd 1976 3.06am in Mayday Hospital, Croydon
If you are born under the unique light of the Golden Balls, you are indeed the top banana. You look great, you smell great, anyone blessed enough to touch you will be breathless at how great you feel. You are the smartest, funniest, most generous, considerate, amazing individual. Do whatever you like today, and every day. Anything and everything you do will be great and everyone will love you. I love you. Don’t ever change. Okay?

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