Belly Up
By hudsonmoon
- 2112 reads
“Give it to me straight, doc. I can take it.”
“You're constipated.”
This was news to me. Last night I was sure I had an enlarged liver, kidney failure and a raging ulcer.
“What? That's it?”
“I recommend Miralax. Mix it with the beverage of your choice and hope for the best.”
“But what about my bloated belly? How do you explain that?”
“How many beers did you consume over the weekend?”
That's a trick question. He's always asking me that, and I never seem to have a satisfactory
answer.
“It's not my fault! When I was younger there was the six pack. Now there's the twelve pack, the
eighteen pack, the twenty four pack and the thirty pack. God help me if they come up with a fifty pack! To be quite honest, doc, it's not entirely my fault. Actually, I've cut down quite a bit on my beer
consumption.”
“Glad to hear it. How much less?”
“You see, I've been drinking Stella. Stella contains 11.5 ounces of beer. Most other beers I drink
are a full 12 ounces. I'm guessing that over the course of the night I'm drinking one less beer than usual.”
He didn't buy into it, but it was worth the feeble effort.
“Cut down on beers. Eat more fiber. And get some exercise.”
“I do exercise.”
“Well, what ever you're doing isn't working. Try getting out of your chair once in a while.”
I tried to explain that playing guitar, ukulele and singing were good forms of exercise. They
involved a lot of toe-tapping and right arm swing action. And singing is good for the face muscles. I said all that while staring at the ceiling. It was an awkward attempt to hide my turkey jowls. My
theory, and jowls, were ignored.
As I write this I realize I forgot to mention to my doctor that writing on my keyboard is another
splendid form of exercise. I can feel my pecs humming at this very moment.
Now I'm thirsty and it's the weekend. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.
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Comments
haha - flimsy excuses never
haha - flimsy excuses never work. Good luck Hudson!
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Well in that case, I don't
Well in that case, I don't think you should cut down on drinking, you just need to write more.
Very much enjoyed reading this.
Cheers Rich x
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I wish you luck, but I
I wish you luck, but I thought beer (well, it certainly is for me) makes you go to the toilet more, in fact, you should just live in the toilet with a six pack of beer and some bog roll.
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Never ignore constipation,
Never ignore constipation, Rich. It can lead to an impacted bowel. Raising a glass to your mouth is a good form of arm exercise and falling down drunk can be very beneficial as you have got to haul yourself up and that takes strength. If you follow these recommendations you will soon be in peak condition but if you can't pull yourself up then you'll be too drunk to care.
You are often in my thoughts, Rich,
Moya
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