Child

By PoppyS

Sun, 03 Dec 2017
  • 1707 reads
5 comments
 

I will  pick you roses
in the white of fallen April snow.

 Wait tirelessly on corners wrapped in cold
amid the winters shades of blue
To open lips that have no words outside
of 'I love you'.
Keep you safe
free from the dangers of time and space
where man nor beast - shall ever come to find us.

And should you wake, in the sterile
light of lonely nights
with some slender memory faded to veiled
disfiguring your guiltless, perfect view

Then-  run like the wind my child
as if the devil was fast attached to its tail.

For never will I miscarry 
I am your beginning - the one who gave you life…

Certificate U
Poem
Love

Comments

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Hi PoppyS. A very tenderly written piece.

Parson Thru

Submitted by PoppyS on

Thank you PT, much appreciated.

Pops ~xx~

Writing is art in pictures – Go paint poetry!

Submitted by Ladylily on

Lovely piece of poetry, with hints of sadness. X

LadyLily

Submitted by fatboy74 on

Hi Poppy, I read your forum comment and then chose a random poem. I could say I really like this, or that doesn't work for me, but what do I know? Someone will come along and say, no I like that, he's wrong etc

For what it's worth and this is just my opinion, I think this poem has a number good ideas and themes with some beautiful phrasing and word choices. It feels like it needs a good edit though, remove what isn't needed and make sure you read it aloud, to ensure the natural rhythm doesn't trip over itself. Ensure lines begin and end where they should, for the maximum effect of what you want to convey.

 

The only detail I will go into, is the first sentence. For me, it's a barrier to the natural 'flow' of the reading experience. I will pick you roses. Lovely I like this, although why not a different flower? Less cliched - or perhaps the rose is post-cliche, who knows? Anyway, the real thing that jars for me is the amount of words in the next line. In the white of fallen April snow. I would lose the fallen, it's a given, we know where it came from and it makes the sentence (for me) one word too long.

It's just a small thing, but good poetry is about getting the small things right - the format necessitates that we do.

Just my opinion, I'm no expert etc. Time is a barrier as well to in depth commenting - we all have so little of it to spare.

 

Submitted by PoppyS on

Thank you so much Fatboy, I found all of that both interesting and useful, and I can see/understand where you are coming from.
Strange you should mention about speaking a piece out loud so as to change tempo etc, I usually recite my pieces into a recorder then listen back to them, I sort of stopped doing this (for reasons not known) as I did find it very useful.

I agree about the smaller things, 'fallen' snow, for example, the finer points are what make the difference.
I welcome good constructive criticism, after all, it is broadening to see how another reader/writer interprets a piece,  the writer is not bound to take all advice on board - but we can all, always learn something new.
  As writing is a solitary process views from people who understand the art is always welcome (well for me).

Once again 'thank you' you have given me much to digest to which I am most appreciative.

Pops ~xx~

Writing is art in pictures – Go paint poetry!