The End - part 2
By jeand
- 4931 reads
I am on my final countdown- 6 weeks or less, although I am still feeling pretty good.
Two weeks ago I went to the hospital for an MRI scan - and they found 6 new cancers all on my spinal cord. They hospitalised me and then as soon as available did a radiation treatmennt on the area which hopefully was meant to put the cancer to sleep before it paralysed me. But before they knew whether it had worked or not, they made me wear a mask to keep my head still, and to lie flat or up to30 degrees which is a small pillow size. I had been in AAU acute something unit - and about 11 they moved me to another ward. I had been asleep so was confused but was taken into a very dark area and went back to sleep.
Now comes the interesting part. I had been given a high dose of steroids to deal with the side effects of the radiation, And as we found out later, this caused me to become paranoid, where I stayed for the next four days. I effectively became somebody else. My personality changed and although I interacted with the staff - we had a very different idea of what was going on.
It was a wild rainy night, and I thought I was in a train carriage, and two people were trying to get into my room as an access to the rest of the train and in my mind they were baddies. So I needed to get help, and I soon realised that I was not very mobile. So I pulled off the mask, and then realised I was tied to bed with the catheter which was full and heavy. I struggled with trying to get it unattached to the bed, but couldn't so pulled it out - with a certain amoung of pain and discomfort.
In my world the two had entrered the room and left again but I needed to tell peoplle. So I got up and found I was naked from the waist down, but noticed a sheet on the oher side of the area and went to wrap it around me. But before I did that, I decided to call for help, so I said, "Help me please" a few times and the nurse came straight in. I thought she must have been sleeping in the opposite side of the room having a nap during her shift. Anyway, she calmed me down, got me back to bed, presumably
put my mask back on and catheter back in, and told me she would call me daughter. Later we found a paper full of notes about this period of time written by someone who sat next to me until my daughter arrived. It said I had been very agitated, and detailed my actions. I heard the lady in the bed across whispering, "she was naked."
After my daughter arrived I apparently slept for most of the day.
There were four major stories that my brain was trying to work out. One related to the main lady doctor of thehosptial doing some organ selling so I had to stop her and warn thepatients not to drink their water which I was sure was poisoned. I also refused my drugs for the same reason.
Then there was th one where I was hiding in the house next door, which I thought was owed by the bad nursea and all sorts of problems ensued - bricks through windows, fires, dogs going wild, and during which i apparentky ran down the corridorl. I remember saying to a man I saw, "I am Barbara Day, who was missing" and he replied, "we all know who you are." I thought he was the nurses' husband but he was a male nurse on the night shift and guided me back to bed.
The last one related to thinking I was ona train again, and someonewas next to me,makingme keep my legs down and flat. And she was writing notes on me. I was so angry.
When Monday came and the regular staff returnedd, it worked out that the mask was never needed, norlying flat aat 30 degrees.And they cacelled my steroids which gradually stopped the paranois, although I was rude a few more times.
Generally my spinal cord biggest cancer, Tommy< is under control for the time being. Hewas the cause of the arm pain which still continues but at a lower level. The cancer that will kill me is Cippy,, the,earlier brain tumor who had the radiationn about a year ago but is now growing at the rate of 50% per day.
With lots of medication, I don't feel too bad at the moment. I am home with carers coming in to get m my meals and check I am OK.
I expect breathig problems and lots of sleep before my end. I watched the lady in the bed accross from me as she nearly died before she went home. She wasn't in a bad way. She was only a year older than my oldest child.
Iwon' write again, but to say how much I have appreciated wriing and reading with you all.
Thank you.
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Comments
What a store of memories and
What a store of memories and stories from films, books, news, imagination we must accumulate in our lifetimes that can emerge into dreams and confusions when under drugs etc! I'm glad you are not feeling too bad, and just as I said, keep praying for the Lord in his grace to be at your side and sustaining you in the journey to and over the river. much love, and thank you for friendship, Rhiannon
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Clarity
shines through your recall of such terrifying thoughts, I remember too well how my fathers cancer and treatment affected him and his bewilderment, it was and is heartbreaking.
Inexpressibly sad that you are facing this and sending very best wishes to and for you and your family.
Best
Lena xx
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Thank you for this as ever
Thank you for this as ever Jean. I'm glad you're still feeling ok(ish) and have managed to lose the paranoia, although you did have some interesting and very unique dreams, and seem to have managed them with your customary determination, both dressed and undressed!
You have been an absolute asset to ABCTales, both for sharing your brilliant writing and for your generosity in leaving comments on other people's work. You will be very much missed.
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Sometimes,
I lose sight of what ABCTales is REALLY for. Jean D's account of the most terrible thing any of us will ever face has brought me back down to earth time and again, and furthermore, left me feeling - to be quite honest - a bit of a self-centred prat.
So I echo IPFNH's sentiments here: I will miss you, Jean, very much. If I need to, I can always look to all your posts to provide much needed honesty, they will always be here.
Thank you for all your brave, brave words.
E x
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Hi Jean
Hi Jean
Thank you for letting us know your current situation.
Having had you as a friend and supporter of my writing over many years I can't say how much I will miss your humour, honesty, tales of family adventures and lastly your final journey. All of your writing a great inspiration to us all. I'm sure your writings will give your family comfort.
With tears thank you Jean.
Lindyx
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Dear Jean, your warmth,
Dear Jean, your warmth, humour, humanity and lovely writing are at the very heart of our community. They, and you, always will be. Thank you so much for all you have given us.
Jane x
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Another brave update, Jean.
Another brave update, Jean. Can't believe this is the last post you will make. Will be thinking of you over the next few weeks. Thank you for your honesty, humour and candid accounts along with all your other creative work.
I will miss you. Everyone will miss you. Take good care of yourself. Paul x
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Pick of the Day
Jean, you have been so generous about sharing your story in our public domain posts, so I hope you are happy for this to be our Pick today. The picture represents how I've always seen your writing - colourful and sparkling and bringing joy. x
Picture from Wikimedia Commons: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Rainbow_in_garden_computer_manip...
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Story of the Week
This is also our Story of the Week.
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Jean, this is absolutely incredible reading.
Jean, this is absolutely incredible reading. You are a brave and admirable woman and it's so kind of you to share descriptions of your experiences here.
I am really sorry that I've only come to notice your writing in the last few months but it has certainly made a mark on me, and I'm sorry that this is your last.
I will think of you often, especially over the course of the next few weeks.
Terry. x
Turlough
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I'm really sorry to hear this
I'm really sorry to hear this latest news Jean. You have had to endure so much, and yet have been brave throughout.
Like others have said, you've been a very welcome writer and reader. I too thank you for all your writing that's given me so much pleasure.
You are in my thoughts Jean.
Jenny.
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Thanks Jean. Your stories are
Thanks Jean. Your stories are your memories. They have helped us understand, not what it is to be you--that would be impossible-- but what it is to suffer a progressive illness that will kill us. We all die. Thanks for your goodbye.
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Bless you, Jean. You have a
Bless you, Jean. You have a great way with words.
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Thankyou so much, Jean, both
Thankyou so much, Jean, both for sharing your inspiring Spirit of braveness and intelligence, imagination and humour, and also the kindness of your comments. I had to go to hospital for a check up recently and started having a panic attack, but thinking of you calmed me down. I am sure this will not be the only time someone is helped by your writing. You are an amazing person, to have created this resource for others, your comfort and advice will live on. You are really special
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Just reread Jean's last post
Just reread Jean's last post and all the heartfelt comments that followed it.
ABC Tales still miss you and your truth telling.
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