The End - part 2

I am on my final countdown- 6 weeks or less, although I am still feeling pretty good.

Two weeks ago I went to the hospital for an MRI scan - and they found 6 new cancers all on my spinal cord. They hospitalised me and then as soon as available did a radiation treatmennt on the area which hopefully was meant to put the cancer to sleep before it paralysed me.  But before they knew whether it had worked or not, they made me wear a mask to keep my head still, and to lie flat or up to30 degrees which is a small pillow size. I had been in AAU acute something unit - and about 11 they moved me to another ward.  I had been asleep so was confused but was taken into a very dark area and went back to sleep. 

Now comes the interesting part.  I had been given a high dose of steroids to deal with the side effects of the radiation,   And as we found out later, this caused me to become paranoid, where I stayed for the next four days.  I effectively became somebody else.  My personality changed and although I interacted with the staff - we had a very different idea of what was going on.

It was a wild rainy night, and I thought I was in a train carriage, and two people were trying to get into my room as an access to the rest of the train  and in my mind they were baddies.  So I needed to get help, and I soon realised that I was not very mobile.  So I pulled off the mask, and then realised I was tied to bed with the catheter which was full and heavy.  I struggled with trying to get it unattached to the bed, but couldn't so pulled it out - with a certain amoung of pain and discomfort. 

In my world the two  had entrered the room and left again but I needed to tell peoplle. So I got up and found I was naked from the waist down, but noticed a sheet on the oher side of the area and went to wrap it around me.  But before I did that, I decided to call for help, so I said, "Help me please" a few times and the nurse came straight in. I thought she must have been sleeping in the opposite side of the room having a nap during her shift.  Anyway, she calmed me down, got me back to bed, presumably

put my mask back on and catheter back in, and told me she would call me daughter.  Later we found a paper full of notes about this period of time written by someone who sat next to me until my daughter arrived. It said I had been very agitated, and detailed my actions. I heard the lady in the bed across whispering, "she was naked."

After my daughter arrived I apparently slept for most of the day.

There were four major stories that my brain was trying to work out.  One related to the main lady doctor of thehosptial doing some organ selling so I had to stop her and warn thepatients not to drink their water which I was sure was poisoned.  I also refused my drugs for the same reason. 

Then there was th one where I was hiding in the house next door, which I thought was owed by the bad nursea and all sorts of problems ensued - bricks through windows, fires, dogs going wild, and during which i apparentky ran down the corridorl.  I remember saying to a man I saw, "I am Barbara Day, who was missing" and he replied, "we all know who you are." I thought he was the nurses' husband but he was a male nurse on the night shift and guided me back to bed. 

The last one related to thinking I was ona train again, and someonewas next to me,makingme keep my legs down and flat.  And she was writing notes on me.  I was so angry.  

When Monday came and the regular staff returnedd,  it worked out that the mask was never needed, norlying flat aat 30 degrees.And they cacelled my steroids which gradually stopped the paranois, although I was rude a few more times.  

Generally my spinal cord biggest cancer, Tommy< is under control for the time being. Hewas the cause of the arm pain which still continues but at a lower level.  The cancer that will kill me is Cippy,, the,earlier brain tumor who had the radiationn about a year ago but is now growing  at the rate of 50% per day.

With lots of medication, I don't feel too bad at the moment.  I am home with carers coming in to get m my meals and   check I am OK.

I expect breathig problems and lots of sleep before my end. I watched the lady in the bed accross from me as she nearly died before she went home.  She wasn't in a bad way.  She was only a year older than my oldest child.

Iwon' write again, but to say how much I have appreciated wriing and reading with you all.

Thank you.