My Groundbreaking Article

            They abide in the gritty entrance

            of your local supermarket.

            How I pity them,

            sitting there on wire stands.

            A publication that seems to apologize before-hand.

            Dog-eared, but only through neglect.

            The promise of bargains in their pages,

            and savings on their spine.

            Thirty pages of adverts

            along with crappy little articles and puzzles.  

           

            If I write for the foyer press,

            it has to be the Nickel Saver.

            There can’t be any other place for me.

            There is no other magazine

            or supplement of any flavor

            on my career horizon that I see.

           

            I can’t write for Yachts, ‘cause I’m onshore.

            I can’t write for Omni. I’m a bore.

            I can’t write for Highlights. I’m no child.     

            And, AARP is out. I’m in denial.

           

            There's only one who’ll

            print me by my gauge.

            A publication better suited

            for lining Polly’s cage.

           

            If there were more variety, I’d try for Screenplay.

            I’d write for Bon Appetit, but I’m no gourmet.

            I can’t write for House and Garden. I’m a bad neighbor.

            I guess my final option would be the Nickel Saver!

           

            I’ll write some dusty and musty

            antiquated articles,

            designed not to scare a single horse.

            I’ll write some vapid and tepid

            soporific pieces.

            There’s an example following, of course.

           

            I’ll fortify the piece with anecdotes and lists,

            for reading as just exercise, you know.

            I want to be at least a rank apologist

            to the hoi-polloi for Mister Status Quo.

           

            I want to fashion filler-

            pack those empty spaces.

            But, first I need to practice

            with fictitious things and places…

 

            Have you ever wondered how your fad detector works? As most of us know, a fad detector detects a change in products just as they pass over to being something that all consumers want.

            About a billion have been sold so far. Who wouldn’t want a device that puts you as the consumer in the driver’s seat, what with all the bargains, and gives you the confidence to tell people that the tat they’re wearing is “so ‘last week’.” But, how exactly does the Fad Detector work? This thumb-sized device hangs from a lanyard and sniffs the air. The air passes between two small hunks of rheumium, which detects the presence of fad. The Fad Detector is the state-of-the-art consumer tool, and, plus, an extra nose!

            The only downside is that the liner surrounding the rheumium may rattle out of place. Then, the detector is able to smell itself, and doesn’t know what to do. In that event, sometimes, it self destructs, like some misguided robot in science fiction. Who can blame it? The maker of the Fad Detector, ‘Calculated Risk, LLC’, is currently working on a software patch that convinces the device that it’s no longer a fad, but a trend.

            And, so what if they sometimes initiate an abrupt change in air pressure? So do smart phones and electric skateboards, and those haven’t been banned! It’s good to keep these things in perspective.

            The limiting factor in the Fad Detector industry is the scarcity of rheumium, which is a rather unstable radioactive mineral. The Sub Vice Adjunct Chair of the Federal Reserve was quoted as saying that with such a thin, tenuous supply chain, that at any given time, we are three days away from losing our ability to detect fads.

            Catarrhic ore, from which rheumium can be refined, has only been found in two spots in the world. One is in picturesque Espera, and the other’s in our scenic southwest. The nodes of ore are similar in shape and color to that of a truffle.

            But, don’t mistake the two! I know a pig wouldn’t!

            The deposit found in our slopes has been known to be hazardous since time immemorial. Catarrhic ore had a reputation for being troublesome for silver miners there.

            Once I learned that, I took a group flight to investigate further. I wanted to get a closer look at this crucial industry.

            What I learned is that care is taken to not have the catarrhic ore become too unstable. For example, if the ore is allowed to settle too densely during transport, it can reach critical mass and the nodes can burst en masse, leaving the boxcars looking like huge pans of Jiffy Pop as they roll up the spur to the refinery.

            The rheumium that is extracted from the ore is taken to a factory nearby, where Fad Detector units are made, Their manufacture is such a highly specialized process that there are narrow limits on jurisdictions where it can be done, what with all the damage to the boxcars, and the no-nonsense “Critical Mass, My Ass” credo. Accidents have only been minor, though, at the plant I visited, and are limited to one per day, on average. Then, they have lunch. The biggest challenge to the company, I’m told, was debunking local superstitions regarding radioactive substances.

            Did you know that there’s so much Catarrhic ore mined each day in the world, that you could cover an entire 18 hole golf course with those phosphorescent truffles?

            Then, you could play at night!

            Calculated Risk’s compound even has a Company Store, which is convenient, for example, on days when you’ve been injured or something during your shift. Product quality is adequate, and credit is even issued at rates that aren’t too exorbitant.

            A Company Store. We don’t have those anymore! Ah…those bygone ways of yesteryear.                   

            So, the next time you want to rock someone’s world, just tell them that a stack of 126,250 fad sniffers would stand a mile high. And, then it would explode!