The Haddock Who Was a Pillock

I am a pillock, thought the haddock – and would have said so, if fish could speak. I am the biggest pillock on Earth!

And indeed he was.

But give him his due… as haddocks went, he wasn’t that much of a pillock; at least he could formulate the thought, I am a pillock. But still…

Harry the haddock was not lacking for pillockiness.

“Oy, Potter!” said Harry’s friend Horatio, a fellow haddock (for although he was no boy wizard, Harry’s surname was indeed, perhaps unfortunately so, Potter).

I thought fish couldn’t speak, thought Harry Potter the haddock.

“If you’re thinking, I thought fish couldn’t speak,” said Horatio, “then you are more of a pillock than I thought.”

And he wasn’t wrong.

Harry Potter the haddock was quite the pillock.

***

But he was a happy pillock. And a happy haddock. Even if he had gone through all of his life so far thinking he couldn’t speak. What a pillock. But anyway…

“I do wish people would stop calling me a pillock,” said Harry Potter the haddock.

“But I am the first person who has ever called you a pillock,” said Horatio Nelson (truly!) the haddock.

“Really?” said Harry.

“To you face,” said Horatio.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” said Harry. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy in my pillockiness, but why do folk have to keep making reference to it?”

“Not to your face,” said Horatio.

“Yes, I know,” said Harry. “But I can feel it. I just know people (by which I mean fellow haddocks) are constantly referring to my pillockiness. And you have just confirmed the veracity of my knowing!”

“The what?”

“The truth, Horatio – that my knowing of the references to my pillockiness of my fellow haddocks has a basis in fact!”

“What are you on about, Harry?”

“Oh I dunno… just… well… you know…”

“You pillock,” said Horatio.

And Harry, being a haddock, being a fish, who was, by definition, wet, slapped Horatio not once, but twice around the face, with the whole of the rear portion of his body, so to speak.

***

“Blimey,” said Horatio.

“What?” said Harry.

“You don’t ‘alf pack a punch… or perhaps more accurately… pack a slap.”

“Thank you.”

“It was a reluctantly offered compliment.”

“Sorry… only you did have it coming.”

“Still… two slaps… delivered with the whole of the rear portion of your body (so to speak).”

“I saw red… it was a pillock too far…”

“But you are a p--”

Slapslapslap!

***

It was a slap too far.

Horatio’s last thoughts were, I wonder if I’ll go nicely with chips?

But still…

Harry was a pill—

Slap! Slappety slap! Slap! SLAP!!

[ fin ]