Finding Zen in Bum Woods

My fucking feet are killing me and if I see another lotus flower again...

Molly padded bare foot along the rain-soaked, litter strewn floor, silently repeating angry syllables in time with her marching feet.

Where's my Zen, hmmm? Where's my fucking Zen? She was speaking out loud now.
And why the fuck not? she thought. What is there to stop me?

The breeze blew a diet coke can onto her foot and she felt so full of rage that she was shaken by it. She picked up the rusty, crumbling can and flung it down on the floor with all the strength inspired by her anger.

It landed with an unsatisfying clunk.
The rotting aluminium went back to tinkling round gently in the breeze.
She could see the funny side, but not well enough to laugh.

Ah yes! she cried. I see! Nothing I do has any effect. I disturb the can with my anger and two seconds later it is back, in it's Rightful Place, rolling happily on the pissy floor with the crisp packets and condoms. There's my Zen. Right there.

Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.
Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.

She walked on, marching her feet along to the chant in her head. After a minute she was felt almost content. She was perfectly distracted from all the stupid things she'd done in the last year, just chanting and stomping. Stomping and chanting.

Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.
Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.

Now, if she took the short cut through Bum Woods she could be in The Cow by last orders. If she walked round it she wouldn't. Picturing herself with a pint by the fire it was an easy decision.

She marched on, thinking of all the warnings she'd had about walking here in the dark. She smiled to herself, feeling reckless and invincible.

Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.
Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.

A condom circle lay pressed into the red clay path that led into the woods.
It's like following bread crumbs dropped by Hansel and Gretel, she thought. But with more rubber and less dough. Maybe just a little yeast.

She laughed at that but the trance-like state she had gotten herself into was fading with the street light.

A low branch of silver birch scraped itself across her face, making her jump.
Don't flaggelate me birch, she smiled, punning nervously.

The floor was surprisingly soft beneath her bare feet. Sticks and rocks mulched into mud over the endless weeks of rain.

In fact, it was the rain that had sent her to the retreat. The rain outside and her indoors. Every day. She went To Get Away From It All as they say. But, of course, It All was still in her head and she couldn't get away from the person she most wanted to because she was tragically stuck inside their body.

Her eyes adjusted to the dark as she walked on, following the slick, wet path between the silver birches, trying not to think about semen or lubricant. Trying not to think about needles dripping with AIDS, lying in wait on the floor.

Thick clouds swept silently across the sky. The silver striped bark of the birches reflected what little moonlight made it through. They swayed beside her, catching the slight wind in their branches, whispering.

Then Molly heard something.

She stood still. Her heart beat through her temple. Her eyes stretched wide so they ached when she looked from side to side. But nothing.
Just a whisper, Moll, keep going.

She got her chant back on and began to march again, lifting her knees unnecessarily in time to her song.

Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.
Noth-ing-I-will-ev-er-do-can-have-an-eff-ect.

A few minutes of this and then the trees opened out into a clearing. The moon popped out of the tail end of a thick sheet of cloud and grass drenched in rain water washed at Molly's feet. The moon glared coolly down at her and she glared coolly back.

A minute passed while she stood, turning her feet gently to circle on her heels, gazing up at the sky and the naked tree tops. Zen, she thought. Lovely.

Molly was just disappearing into a revelry about Bum Woods when she heard a real noise. A gasp, a smack, a squeal.

Bum away! she smiled. Don't mind me.

As she crossed the moonlit, grassy clearing, her feet found themselves back on the red clay slick. Shadows moved rythmically in the ghost trees to her left and she could hear the slight smack of skin on skin.

The cool moon lit the way and Molly padded on by. Another shadow to her right this time and much noisier smacking. The grunting stopped when as she passed, but Molly carried on, trying to permeate Zen.

This was just what I needed, she was thinking. To be outside in the world. With the moon. And the burches! She ran her hand over the damp, rough, silver bark of one of her special trees and felt a rush of pure love.

Here she was in Bum Woods. The very place every parent told you not to go. She was in Bum Woods and she was safe.

The cool breeze swept over her attuned skin. She felt it lift her arm hairs into goose bumps and shivered. How she'd appreciate her house when she got back to it now! Her little house with all its comforts. With a kettle. A kettle!

The orange lamps of the road on the other side of the woods were in sight now and Molly felt herself rushing slightly towards them. I'm not scared, she thought, but it will be a relief to be out in the light again.

The orange grew brighter as the naked branches thinned. Finally she could see the path underfoot. Not a condom in sight.
And there's the pavement! All black and orange and wet.
She could wash her feet when she got home. She could run a bath and have a cup of tea...

What the Fuck are You doing in Here? A burly voice said and Molly felt a firm grip on her arm.