Dan's the man

By celticman

Thu, 03 Mar 2011
  • 1955 reads
11 comments
 

Hazy-lazy childhood
always in the sun.
Checking out the girls.
Fumbling and grumbling.
Thickening up facts
Woodbine and Guinness
Grannies and Mammies
Sunshine in my heart
Bleeding red rumours.
Torn from the same old page.
Daughters that always cry.
Soft hands, soft feet, soft head.
Gloaming of a pot-holed past.
Ambulance called to police
Wibbledy-wobbledy.
Dot-to-dot.
My foolish thought.

Certificate U
Poem
Drama

Comments

Submitted by shades on
Ah! woodbine a guinness! Love the use of "thickening up facts' here. Nice work.

Submitted by celticman on
Thanks shades I'm trying to measure out language. It ain't working, but I suppose I'm learning. Poetry is fucking impossible, but Guinness is always an option.

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
I think you're doing quite well - but I don't know much about poetry so perhaps you should wait for someone who does to give you their opinion. Some lovely lines

 

Submitted by fatboy74 on
A lot in this celticman and agree with insert, but I was hoping this week you would tell us a story - you are more than good at telling stories and it's clear from the above poem you're good on the metaphors as well 'thickening up facts' 'gloaming of a pot-holed past' these are weighted with meaning. It just feels a bit disconnected and like you're worrying too much about rhythm/form whatever. Perhaps a few pronouns to make it connect. I envy people who can write prose and poetry - I find prose really difficult so know what you mean. Looking forward to next weeks and hope you don't mind me giving my two penneth. ATB Fatboy

 

Submitted by celticman on
Well insert I'm trying-very! Fatboy, brilliant. What you're saying is really, really helpful. I'm just trying to learn a bit about poetry from the inside out.When I know what I'm doing (if that time comes?) then it will be time to move on. Just now I'm trying to write a poem a week. Then again it doesn't really matter if I don't.

 

Submitted by Dynamaso on
For someone who professes to learning to write poetry, I have enjoyed reading your recent forays into the form, including this one. For some reason 'bleeding red rumours' appeals to me greatly. Good job!

 

Submitted by shoe on
I agree with FB, lots to like, and doesn't it depend on your definition of poetry? the beautiful thing about poetry is it's a very broad term, so I guess just write what you'd like to read, that's my thought anyway as I know jack about metre and syllables just stress me out!

 

Submitted by celticman on
Thanks Dynamaso it's patchy, but maybe parts of it have appeal. Shoe. I know you are meant to start with metres and syllable counting and then discard when you're good enough to do that, but...emmm?!

 

Submitted by lenchenelf on
Hi CM, your prose style and language carries its own music. When reading your past work I've found some of the strongest images, metaphors & allegories on ABCtales. It's a personal view, but, if trying to fit that into a metered form of poetry chokes your individual rhythm of speech and writing, ditch the form. Get your ideas down, then shape it to strengthen the thought(s) you hope to convey. Hugs atb Lx

 

Submitted by celticman on
Lena, that is so incredibly nice. Thank you very much.

 

Submitted by Sooz006 on
Bleeding red rumours, is beautiful. And guinness is a friendly drink because it's the only one (that I know of) that you can draw a smiley face in. And writing about summer gets my vote at the moment, love any description of sunshine. Why do we have more memories of childhood in the summer?