Taking Collection

–Sunday School
“Does your family pray before Sunday lunch Paul?”
Little Paul surprised very embarrassed stammers
“No Miss! My mother's cooking is not thát bad!”
And Tommy pipes up
“That's nothing Miss! We pray befóre ánd after lunch!”
 
–The Sunday Service
“Who of us doesn't want to go to Heaven!
“Me!
“Why?
“I like it here!”
 
–Marriage
“What do you think of the institution of marriage?
“It is a good thing if you like living in an institution.”
 
–Domestic
Discreetly confidentially “Please Vicar help!
Sometimes with no warning my wife gets forcibly possessed by the devil.”
Hand on the shoulder gravely “I've got the same brother,
be grateful it's not every day.”
 
–Daniel
“I'm so hungry I could eat a lion.”
 
–Weekend Sports
Peter walks past church, lent out his kit
“And Moses soars up, up to Heaven!
“Stop him! Stop him! He's got my soccer boots on!”
 
–Promised land
Late in his prosperous and miserable life Scrooge, his life's dream most
reluctantly paid for, went on a pilgrimage holiday to the Holy land.
Strolling along the shore he found a rowing-boat moored.
“How much to the other side?
“Two pounds sir! “But that is daylight robbery!
“Sir this is the Sea of Galilee. Here the Master walked on the water.
“If thát's what you charge it's nó wónder he walked!”
 
–New Year's Eve
Constable Smith pulls off Parson John, sticking his head in through the window
“Have you been drinking Parson? “No!”
“And the bottle? “It's water.”
“Please open it. “Smell!
“By Jove! He's done it again!”
 
–At Sea
During a severe storm, a very distressed lady
“Captain! Are we in danger?
“Ma'am. We are in the hands of God.
“Oh dear! Is it as bad as thát?”