The Undertakers

Stories featuring the characters of Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble

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Gold cherry

A Dubious Undertaking

An awkward conversation between and undertaker and his hapless assistant

Last Rights - Part 1

The undertakers are back and Archibald has an encounter with the constabulary

Last Rights - Part 2

The undertakers again - in which Archibald explains his predicament

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 16

In which a number of parties set out for a road trip, with varying degrees of success.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 17

In which Josiah and Archibald finally meet their client. Possibly.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 18

In which Lawrence falters, Chantelle tries to judge between the quick and the dead, and Josiah learns something to his disadvantage.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 19

In which something doesn't quite fit and a solution presents itself.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 20

In which people are lost, and found, and questions are raised.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 21

In which suspicions are raised and observations made.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 22

In which some people leave, and have a story to tell, whilst others arrive with their story untold

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 23

In which misunderstanding reigns supreme and frustrations are keenly felt.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 24

In which remains are not allowed to remain and suspicions are followed.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 25

In which the tired are rejuvenated and seeing is not hearing

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 26

In which Lawrence is hopeful, and Amber is surprised.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 27

In which Lawrence is amused, and Amber is not.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 28 (revised)

In which our weary travellers gain some respite, discuss ducks and steel and feel queasy about jam.
Cherry

For Those In Peril On The Sea

Some of the following story was told to me as a true account over the weekend. As soon as I heard it, I thought that this was a natural story for my two hapless undertakers. Hope you enjoy it!

I See A Friday And I Want To Paint It Black!

There's a certain strain of advertising that I seem to see quite a lot of, at the moment, and it irritates me immensely. I thought that Josiah and Archibald might have some views on it, too!
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It's All In The Game - Part 1

Josiah is preparing for the Company Christmas Party whilst Archibald has a musical question...

It's All In The Game - Part 2

In which Josiah seeks modernisation and Archibald bursts into rhyme!

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 29 (revised)

It's not exactly a snappy title, is it? I've been stuck on this story for months and months but I think I've finally seen a route through! Apologies to anyone who has been following the series as you've probably forgotten the plot by now (and I wouldn't blame you). Any road (as Archibald would say) normal service will now be resumed... So this is Part 29, with some revisions, in which there are comings and goings, zombies and villains and, possibly, puddings!

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 30

In which Lawrence gets an unexpected prod and D.I. Wood finds himself incommunicado.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 31

In which Chantelle shocks Josiah and Josiah mourns lost love.

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 32

In which Frankie wrestles with a philosophical conundrum and Lawrence, Amber and Frankie have their journey unexpectedly truncated, in more ways than one!

Bring Out Your Dead - Part 33

In which Archibald wakes from his rest, and Frankie doesn't!

"Will ye no come back again...?"

This story was conceived the other day, when I drove through my old home town of Burton upon Trent and noticed that this had actually happened at a well-known funeral director's. I couldn't believe my eyes and I wondered what Archibald and Josiah might have to say about it...

An Ill Wind

Given everything that is going on at the moment, it was sort of inevitable that my undertakers would become involved at some point!
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Cherry

From a distance...

I know this is a tricky subject about which to be even vaguely humorous but I felt that my Undertakers couldn't fail to comment during the current unpleasantness. Hope you'll bear with me. Keep safe, everyone!

Lest we forget...what was it?

I suppose even undertakers celebrated V.E. Day, so I thought we might check in on Josiah and Archibald.
Cherry

Bursting the Bubble

It's a busy time at Oakshott and Underwood, for all of the wrong reasons (although, to be honest, there are very few right ones!) and Josiah Oakshott is 'burning the midnight oil'...

The Song Has Gone, But The Memory Lingers On!

Archibald is researching and reminiscing, Josiah is not too sure he wants him to do either!

We Shall Not Pass This Way Again

Josiah and Archibald are having to share a car, along with some insights!
Cherry

Take Off That Gloomy Mask of Tragedy!

In which Archibald finds adhering to the government's strictures dangerous, and exhausting
Cherry

Some Are Born Great...

Josiah and Archibald consider leadership qualities.

Grave Expectations - Part 1

In which Josiah has an unpleasant task to perform and Archibald finds himself in trouble!

Grave Expectations - Part 2

In which Archibald faces ruin and Josiah has an epiphany
Cherry

Never Say Die!

Josiah and Archibald discuss a burning desire

Up-Helly-Aaagh!

Josiah and Archibald reflect on the law of unintended consequences.

Through A Glass, Darkly

Archibald discovers it's difficult to find his way in life and Josiah considers their future.

Measure for Measure?

In which Archibald discovers that size does matter and Josiah tries to explain the facts of life.

All's Well That Ends, Well...?

In which Josiah's plans come to fruition and Archibald's come crashing down!

Lamenting the lock-up

Josiah and Archibald consider the possibility of further Covid restrictions, with mixed results.

Testing Times

In which Josiah prepares for the worst and Archibald tests his patience.

Tiers for Souvenirs

In which Archibald is concerned and Josiah, confused.
Cherry

The Ghost of Christmas Present(s)

I couldn't let Christmas pass without a Josiah and Archibald story. In this one,they both give and receive
Cherry

The Auntie Vera Factor

In which Josiah tests his wits and Archibald tests his patience.
Cherry

A Big Stick and a Little Prick

In which size is important to Archibald and Josiah wrestles with reality.
Cherry

A Sign of the Times

In which Josiah sees a sign, and Archibald wishes he hadn't! This story was inspired by an allegedly real photograph of precisely this sign being displayed in a Funeral Director's window, which gives me hope that Josiah and Archibald really are out there, somewhere :-)
Cherry

The Thin Black Line

In which Josiah might be liable and Archibald might have to bounce
Cherry

The Ice-Cream Man Cometh

Archibald tries his hand at marketing, again, and Josiah takes a stand!

A Candle and the Wind

In which Josiah and Archibald debate the merits (or otherwise) of complementary therapies.

Banging the Bongos at Blackpool!

In which Archibald frets and Josiah bangs a drum! Photo by Tom Waites, 2013

Smoke on the Water!

In which Josiah fumes and Archibald rocks!
Cherry

Par-um-pah-pum-pum!

In which Josiah comes bearing gifts and Archibald turns to drink.
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"You've got to fight, for the right, to..."

Archibald nurses his injuries, whilst Josiah considers the state of the party
Cherry

For Fear of Little Men

I've struggled to write anything remotely humorous, with everything that's been going on recently, but I felt I needed to break out of my self-imposed purdah and who better to do it with than Josiah and Archibald?

"Is There Anybody There...?"

Archibald sends a message and Josiah despairs
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A Matter of Opinion

In which Archibald makes a suggestion and Josiah surveys all before him
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A Question, Of Sorts

Archibald drives home a point and Josiah misses his turn
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Cherry

I Want My Mummy!

Josiah gives up but Archibald fancies having a go!
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Gold cherry

No, Ho, Ho!

In which Archibald asks for a favour and Josiah feels no goodwill to the season.
Gold cherry

Making Plans...for Archibald (Part 1)

In which Archibald answers the call and Josiah does not make plans
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Making Plans...for Archibald (Part 2)

In which Josiah schemes and Archibald crashes.
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Cherry

The Frog and Crumpet

In which Archibald feels the cold and Josiah takes a grave view.
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Cherry

Drumming Up The Christmas Trade!

In which Archibald drums up trade whilst Josiah wrestles with a quandary!
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Gold cherry

A Subsequent Engagement?

In which Josiah poses a question, Archibald answers it and Samantha is puzzled.
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Cherry

The Trouble with Horace Dimchurch

The third in the festive season trilogy of Undertakers stories, in which Archibald takes charge and Josiah discovers the downside of delegation.
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Cherry

The Fall and Rise of...Archibald Thurble?

The fourth part of the trilogy (yes, yes, I know...just go with it!) in which Horace makes an exit and Archibald watches developments.
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Cherry

Educating Archie?

Well, it had to be, didn't it? In this episode, Archibald tries to wriggle out but Samantha pins him down!
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Cherry

Death and Taxis! (The Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 3)

In which Archibald returns to consciousness and Josiah says something he shouldn't!
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Stiffed! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 5)

In which Josiah feels frustrated and Archibald gets the cold shoulder.
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Gold cherry
Story of the week

Churros, chickens and choices (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 6)

In which Amber sulks, Josiah declines an offer and D.S. Stone has his day ruined.
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Cherry

"Oh!" (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 8)

In which both Amber and Archibald have a surprise, for very different reasons.
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"Not lost, but..." (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 9)

In which both the Undertakers and the Detectives lose something, Lawrence thinks he's found something, and Amber makes a shocking discovery!
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Cherry

Threats and Promises? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 10)

In which Josiah and Archibald are at cross purposes and D.S. Stone is just cross!
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Cherry

Morning Has Broken (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 12)

A new day brings new problems for the officers of law enforcement and our erstwhile holidaymakers.
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Cherry

On The Road, Again! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 14)

In which the Detectives and Mr. & Mrs. Hamble head off down the coast, but not together!
Cherry

Lying in State? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 15)

In which Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle pay their respects and get a surprise, for very different reasons.
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Cherry

Keeping A Lid On It (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 16)

In which Lawrence quivers, and so does Chantelle, with remarkably different results!
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Gold cherry

The Ferry Godmother? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 17)

In which Josiah confronts a dilemma, Chantelle offers a solution and the Detectives make a dramatic entrance.
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Gold cherry

Ocean Drive (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 19)

In which Archibald and Chantelle take to the road, D.I. Wood does likewise, but somewhat removed, and Lawrence doesn't take to it at all!
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Cherry

Pack Up! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 20)

In which Chantelle, D.I. Wood and D.S. Stone all search for something, with similar results!
Cherry

Summer Holiday? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 21)

In which Josiah and Chantelle find a mutually beneficial arrangement and the Detectives get all their eggs in one basket!
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Cherry

Reach Out, I'll Be There! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 22)

In which Amber and Lawrence finally get to start their holiday, whilst Josiah, Archibald, Chantelle and the Detectives have got themselves a convoy!
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Cherry

White Lines? (Don't Do It) (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 23)

In which Amber takes a stand, Lawrence takes steps and Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle 'take a powder'
Gold cherry

Toast! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 24)

In which Josiah, Chantelle, D.S. Stone and Frankie all answer a 'call of nature', in rather different circumstances and with mixed results, whilst Archibald tries to get to grips with Spanish cuisine, and loses!
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Cherry

Zombie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 25)

In which all Frankie wants is a nice lie down whilst everyone else seems to be obsessed with comparing bladder sizes!
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Cherry

Hitchin' A Ride (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 26)

In which the Detectives feel disconnected and Chantelle shocks Josiah with her revelations.
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Cherry

Under Pressure (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 27)

In which Lawrence and Amber find themselves in a tight spot and Frankie is left feeling a little flat!
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Cherry

Can't Get Used To Losing You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 28)

In which Archibald recounts his disquieting dream to Josiah and Chantelle and Lawrence takes charge of their situation.
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Cherry

Ain't Nobody (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 29)

Our weary travellers are nearing the end of their journey and whilst some are finding ways to pass the time, others are viewing the approaching terminus with mixed feelings!
Gold cherry

Missing You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 31)

In which Archibald makes a shocking discovery and Amber tries out her womanly wiles.
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Cherry

Body Talk (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 32)

In which Archibald and Amber find they can help each other out, but questions are asked.
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Cherry

Lying Eyes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 33)

Amber and Archibald might have restored the body to the coffin but there are still questions to be answered!
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Cherry

Sailing (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 34)

Finally, on the ferry and time for rest and relaxation...for some, anyway!
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Cherry

Passengers (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 35)

Not everyone on the ferry knows what they are doing, or where they are for that matter!
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Cherry

O Sole Mio (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 36)

The detectives find something fishy and Chantelle and Frankie slip the net.
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Cherry

Wade in the Water (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 37)

In which Frankie disturbs Chantelle, in more ways than one, and Archibald seeks a fresh start.
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Cherry

I Hear You Knocking (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 38)

In which Archibald knocks on a few doors and leaves fear and trepidation in his wake!
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Cherry

Is She Really Going Out With Him? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 39)

In which the Detectives think they're getting closer to their man and Josiah thinks the same about Chantelle!
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Cherry

Storm in a Teacup (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 40)

In which Chantelle comes to a decison, Frankie remembers his pills, Archibald sulks and Josiah fears for the future!
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Cherry

Can't Take My Eyes Off You (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 41)

In which Chantelle gets Frankie ready to 'return to sender' and Detectives Stone and Wood find watching nothing happening, repeatedly, a bit tedious.
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Cherry

I'm Still Waiting (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 42)

Not everyone finds waiting patiently all that easy, particularly not Frankie Knight!
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Cherry

I Can't Explain (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 43)

Chantelle finds her companion boring but then discovers excitement, in the form of Frankie Knight, can be pretty overrated too!
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Cherry

I Can't Stand The Rain (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 44)

Chantelle no sooner gets one problem safely stowed, when another one crops up. Samantha, meanwhile, is battling the elements, belligerent port staff and her own employees.
Cherry

Homeward Bound (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 45)

In which the detectives are at odds, Archibald is protecting his honour (as is Josiah) and Samantha gets some good news, at last!
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Cherry

Harbour Lights (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 46)

Why does everything get more complicated, the closer you get to home? That is a question that Archibald and D.I. Wood could definitely agree on!
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Cherry

Pandora's Box (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 47)

Just because a journey is over, that doesn't mean that everything is sorted out, as both Samantha and the Detectives find out!
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Cherry

Burning Love (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 48)

In which Josiah and Chantelle kick their heels, Samantha loses her cool (as will Frankie, shortly, apparently!) and the Detectives prise themselves into their pursuit vehicle.
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Cherry

Pick Up The Pieces (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 49)

The Undertakers are 'under starter's orders', as are the Detectives. With everyone in their respective vehicles, we should be off and running now, shouldn't we?
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Cherry

Look Through Any Window (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 50)

It's always the same, when you're hoping for a fast and trouble-free getaway, someone or something comes along to spoil it, and Josiah & Co. are no exception!
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Cherry

Body and Soul (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 51)

In which Archibald complains about his future, and Chantelle worries that Frankie might not have one!
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Cherry

Ashes to Ashes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 52)

We're at the gates of the crematorium and time is definitely running out for Frankie, but there's a shock in store for Samantha, too!
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Cherry

Frankie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 53)

It's only taken 53 episodes but here we are, finally, at the funeral of 'Sir Lewisham'. Now, what could possibly go wrong?
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Cherry

So The Story Goes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 54)

After the tumultuous events of last Friday, Josiah and Archibald start a fresh week back in the old routine, but nothing is quite the same!
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Gold cherry

Don't Leave Me This Way ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 1)

In which a surprise takes Josiah's mind off his troubles, but adds them to Archibald's considerations!
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Cherry

Doctor, Doctor ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 2)

In which Josah's spell as a patient is testing Archibald's patience!
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Cherry

I Shot the Sheriff ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 3)

Detective Inspector Wood has a 'war wound' in need of attention whilst D.S. Stone has spotted someone 'known to the police'.
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Cherry

Footloose ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 4)

In which D.I. Wood dislikes the health advice he has received and Archibald muses on mice and...elephants!
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Cherry

Driving in My Car ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 5)

After a brief hiatus (for us, not them) Josiah and Archibald are now on their way to Evanley Hall with the promise of a prestigious client luring them on.
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Cherry

There's a Ghost in My House (Dead Reckoning series - Part 6)

In which Josiah renews an old friendship and Archibald develops his spiritual side in the garden.
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Cherry

Ha! Ha! Said The Clown (Dead Reckoning series - Part 7)

In which Archibald is miffed and Josiah is given something to think about!
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Cherry

I Heard It Though The Grapevine (Dead Reckoning series - Part 8)

In which both Samantha and Josiah exchange news that neither wants to hear, and Archibald keeps the score!
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Cherry

Standing in the Shadows of Love (Dead Reckoning series - Part 9)

In which Samantha finds her place, Josiah looks forward to a dinner engagement and Archibald finds it all so confusing!
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Cherry

My Girl (Dead Reckoning series - Part 10)

In which Josiah reflects on a culinary experience and Archibald is taken by surprise!
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Cherry

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted (Dead Reckoning series - Part 11)

In which both Archibald and Josiah have reason to feel chipper but Samantha less so.
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Cherry

Stop Her On Sight (S.O.S.) (Dead Reckoning series - Part 12)

In which crime is afoot, much to the annoyance of D.I. Wood and his foot!
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Cherry

Farewell Is a Lonely Sound (Dead Reckoning series - Part 13)

A time of comings and goings, in which Archibald and Josiah dicuss their respective 'goings' and the Detectives are less than happy about what's coming!
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Cherry

A Night To Remember (Dead Reckoning series - Part 14)

In which Samantha frets about Josiah's dinner engagement, Josiah endures an awkward drive into the Cheshire countryside and things don't end quite as expected.
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Cherry

Monday, Monday (Dead Reckoning series - Part 15)

In which Josiah becomes conspicuous by his absence and Samantha holds the key!
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Cherry

Can't Get Used to Losing You (Dead Reckoning series - Part 16)

In which Samantha and Archibald seek the help of the long arm of the law!
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Cherry

Words (Dead Reckoning series - Part 17)

In which Samantha takes control, and loses it, at the same time!
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Cherry

My Girl and Me (Dead Reckoning series - Part 18)

In which Archibald digs his heels in, Mr. Strine offers solidarity (up to a point!) and Samantha tries her womanly wiles.
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Cherry

Love Potion No. 9 (Dead Reckoning series - Part 19)

Archibald is en-route, but to what? You wouldn't expect a nice sit down and a cup of tea, would you?
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Cherry

Trapped (Dead Reckoning series - Part 20)

In which Archibald has an unexpected encounter and Samantha runs out of options.
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Cherry

Missing You (Dead Reckoning series - Part 21)

In which Samantha attempts to be taken seriously and Archibald has even more concerns!
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Cherry

Here Comes the Rain Again (Dead Reckoning series - Part 22)

In which Samantha makes progress, at last, and Josiah and Archibald find their feet...wet!
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Cherry

The Jean Genie (Dead Reckoning series - Part 23)

In which Samantha helps the detectives find the key, but there's no clear answers from the mess they find themselves in!
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The Tide Is High (Dead Reckoning series - Part 24)

Samantha and the Detectives are getting nowhere fast with Jeannie, and Josiah and Archibald are in deep water, and it's getting a lot deeper!
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Cherry

Bridge Over Troubled Water (Dead Reckoning series - Part 25)

Josiah and Archibald are trying to keep their heads above water, whilst the Detectives hopes are sinking fast!
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Gold cherry

Drowning Not Waving (Dead Reckoning series - Part 26)

In which D.S. Stone takes the plunge, Josiah hangs on (unhelpfully) and Jeannie takes charge.
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Cherry

Bring Him Home (Dead Reckoning series - Part 27)

In which Jeannie and D.S. Stone excel themselves but Josiah and Archibald are not out of the woods yet. The water, maybe, but not the woods!
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Cherry

Tears on My Pillow (Dead Reckoning series - Part 28)

Josiah and Archibald are hospitalised and the Detectives survey the aftermath.
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Cherry

Walking on Sunshine (Dead Reckoning series - Part 29)

In which the Detectives and Josiah are feeling the after-effects of their watery ordeal and D.I. Wood dreams of sun, sand and...Sergeants?
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Cherry

There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis (Dead Reckoning series - Part 30)

In which D.S. Stone muses about the identity of their mystery man in the reservoir, D.I. Wood pines for the Caribbean, Archibald longs for an unhealthy lunch and Josiah may come to regret his!
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Cherry

She's Not There (Dead Reckoning series - Part 31)

In which Josiah makes an unwelcome discovery and Samantha and Archibald set off to find the truth.
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Cherry

Photograph (Dead Reckoning series - Part 32)

The Detectives might be empty-handed at the chip shop, apart from D.I. Wood, but D.S. Stone just might have something up his sleeve!
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Cherry

Strange Brew (Dead Reckoning series - Part 33)

In which Samantha tries to find out more, despite Archibald's reluctance, and D.S. Stone has something of a breakthrough.
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Cherry

Who's That Girl? (Dead Reckoning series - Part 34)

In which Samantha and the Detectives try to understand what was going on at Evanley Hall and Archibald takes a break, mostly from reality.
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Cherry

Reunited (Dead Reckoning series - Part 35)

In which Samantha struggles to understand Mr. Strine, Josiah and Archibald find themselves back in the saddle and D.S. Stone prays for a breakthrough, or just for something to happen, which is odd because...
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Cherry

Drive (Dead Reckoning series - Part 36)

In which Josiah and Archibald make an unfortunate discovery, D.I. Wood tries to shed some light on the matter, and Samantha is concerned, unlike Mr. Strine.
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Cherry

I Fought the Law (Dead Reckoning series - Part 37)

In which the Detectives move their investigation on, despite D.S. Stone's objections, and Josiah and Archibald gain legal representation, of sorts!
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Cherry

Another Cup Of Coffee (Dead Reckoning series - Part 38)

In which Josiah and Archibald escape from the long arm of the law, but for how long?
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Cherry

Santa Baby (Dead Reckoning series - Part 39)

In which Archibald is constructive, mostly, and Samantha makes plans.
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